New Blog

2007-01-08T15:25:00.000-08:00

i have moved and joined Slave lucy's blog. Sir wishes us both to post on the same blog.

http://lightofhislife.blogspot.com/

i hope you all come and visit me there!

Release

2006-10-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

i am here to tell you all that Cloud has released me. i am not sure where my journey will go now but i am not giving up. Sir Michael has offered to take me on but i am not sure that is what i want. i never intended for Him to be my fulltime Dom. Now i have lots to think about. i am not sure how often i will be around but i will continue to read my blogroll as always.
Thanks to all who have supported me! i have found much comfort here. i wish everyone the best and happiness along their journey!

All my love,
ling

Friday

2006-10-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

Friday night was a whirlwind of emotions for me. i was given my first punishment, by a hand other than my own, that i have had in a long time. i was scared and my knees were shaking when Sir Michael called me forward. He questioned a few tasks i had been instructed to do. i was expecting for a chance to address why i hadn't completed them but Sir Michael says there are no excuses. He ordered me to assume the punishment position and hold it, while Sir choose the implement of choice....a giant wooden paddle. i received 30 hard smacks and then was told to hold the position without noise or movement. All i wanted to do was wipe the tears from my eyes but i knew i couldn't. i had to sit there covered in tears and spit, ass flaming hot and just wait.....wait for Sir Michael to let me move.

It is also strange for me to accept punishment without being bound. it is a really hard mental fuck for me. i could easily walk out of that position and refuse punishment. (yeah right...but potentially i could) i could easily move out Sir's way but if i did i know the punishment would get worse.

As i watched Sir Michael give lucy her punishment demerits i thought to myself, " wow, i wish i could take hers for her." i felt horrible having to watch my good friend endure her punishment and while probably deserved it was difficult. When finished Sir Michael looked at us both and told us we would start taking eachothers demerits not our own. We will still create our own list of demerits throughout the week but we would endure the others total. Sir felt this would help us be more conscious of our actions and help eachother remember ALL the rules. i actually agree but i am nervous because i am new to this house and i don't want lucy to endure extra for my faults. i guess i will have to be on my best behavior.

After the punishments Sir Michael decided i had enough and so we all spent more time talking. It is amazing how much one spanking can open you up.....well my doors were open. It was a necessary talk for all of us to have so Sir is better equipped to handle my emotions....and there are many.

One thing i will say is that i called Sir Michael Cloud once. i have dreamed of being in a session and saying that name. i have fantasize about it lots and when i was there is just came out. Sir Michael laughed and understood but added one stroke for each time i did it. i really wished it was Cloud, but Sir Michael told me that Cloud planned this whole thing and that He was there with me. That made me feel amazing.

i got to indulge in a lot of service there on Friday. i love serving and being in that submissive mind set. It makes me feel so much at home. i LOVED Friday. i feel like a new woman. Granted my bottom is still a little sore, but it is a nice change of scenery.

Sir Michael gave me a few rules.
1) i must call Him Sir not Master. This is because i am still in training and it will help distinguish between lucy and myself. Sir says we sound a like and when He can't see us He has a hard time telling who is who...this will help with that.

2) lucy and i are to shave eachother twice weekly...more if needed to maintain smooth vaginal area. This is to train us to take over shaving for Sir Michael. He figured we could train our steady hand on eachother.

3) Sir Michael feels my breasts are not strong enough or tough enough yet, so each m/w/f before class lucy is to bind my breasts and i am to wear them for the duration of classes. On Fridays i will have to wait for Sir to remove them for me. Oh yeah, Every Friday night i will be with Sir and lucy....not all night but for part of it.

4) i must maintain all exercises and tasks set forth by Cloud. Under no circumstance should i let Sirs task come before Cloud's. If my routines slip i will be punished.

5) no masturbation!!!

lucy explained to me that Sir Michael likes His subs in a constant state of sexual desire. He LOVES to tease her and tease her and tease her. He told us we would take turns being allowed to orgasm....one of you per month...followed by a very sadistic laugh. Hmmmm...makes me wonder.

All in all this was an amazing night and one i hope to have again and again!! Thank you Cloud for setting this up for me. This is an amazing addition to an already amazing journey.

Until next time.........

Tasks

2006-10-05T06:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as i was driving home stuck in MAJOR traffic i received a call from MM. He didn't engage in any pleasantries it was straight to why i have not posted in my journal today? i tried to give Him my reason which He denoted as an excuse and said i would be punished. This totally took me by surprise. The sternness, the unrelenting dominance in His voice. That was the end of discussion and He was gone. Ugh...that made my whole body quiver with both excitement and nerves. i haven't been given a punishment by another hand in a long while.

If you haven't guessed Cloud has recruited a partner to take on the physical hand of my submission. As much as i hate punishment and such i think this is going to be the best thing that has happened to my submission since Cloud. There is a lot of incentive in that physical hand...one i wish i didn't need so much. Is it natural to crave that physical hand? i receive a lot of satisfaction from the service, control and protocols but how will this new dimension affect me and my submission?

i was given a task to insert a vibrator during my positions. There are 6 different service positions that i have to hold, naked for 5 minutes each day. i was to turn the vibe on for everyother position. This turns into 30 minutes of silence and stillness....it is hard for me. Now on Tuesday night i started this task and about 2 minutes into the first position my juices were flowing. So much so that i had to tie the vibrator into place which added more stimulation to my clit. By the fifth position i wanted to pull the vibrator out and place it directly on my clit. The added stimulation to my submission task made me crazy. i called lucy right afterward and she thought it was so cute how much desire i received from that task.

Now last night i had to do this task again and this time i had a flying orgasm in the middle of my third position. i honestly thought i would fall over but had to keep going. Excessive stimulation after orgasm is hard for me. i tend to have a hard time with multiple orgasms but not last night. on the last position i had another orgasm but this one was more intense and i did falter out of position. i felt very submissive and i did enjoy the added adventure to an everyday task.

Until next time........

Hiatus Over

2006-10-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

It has been a EVERY long time since i have written here. i was taking a bit of a hiatus to get myself back into a good place....a place where i could give my submission as much focus as possible. my life doesn't allow much room for this focus but there have been a few changes. i have passed my catering business over to a very capable friend. This was a very hard decision for me for i worked extremely hard to get this business off the ground.....and then to decide to walk away from it was difficult. i did this to take a full-time teaching job in the culinary school. i couldn't possibly do both jobs plus my duties at home and give my submission the attention it desired. Once i committed to my choice my life became a whirlwind of changes. i LOVE my new job.....Wouldn't trade it for the world. i get to be in the kitchen everyday and sharing my knowledge with people who have the same passion as myself. i couldn't' have chosen a better fit for myself.....i am very happy with this choice.

Taking this job has allowed me a more routine schedule. This lets me spend my weekends at home with my family and i don't have to work nights. i do have to be up VERY early in the morning but i am adjusting well.

Now to figure out my submission. Well i have been in a long distance relationship and it is getting difficult without that physical hand. Cloud and i have begun to delve deeper, asking the harder questions about my desires and goals for my submission. i DO NOT want to leave Cloud's stable but i also feel i need a physical hand to help guide me. A few good friends of mine, Master Michael and slave lucy, have offered to take me in and be that physical hand. Cloud is going to work on details and has instructed me back to normal routine.

So thats a quick gist of my happenings. i will be posting regularly from now on and i hope to have some of my readers come back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mirror Exercise

1) my body as a whole
i spent about 20 minutes just looking and staring at my body trying to pin-point a particular area, body part or line that inrtigued me.....that created a strength for me. As i looked i realized i didn't have to pick one thing....i decided to appreciate my body as a whole. i am a woman and i have many beautiful features. Without every part of my body working together i would not be this person. i realize the body is just a physical thing and what is inside counts to but today i appreciate my feminine body. It's curves, it's imperfections, it's baurty, it's reality. i am what i am and i am beautiful.

2) my imperfections
This is not ment to be negative. i was thinking that each line or crease or stretch mark i see is what makes me who i am today. my body has carried dme threw so much, so many experiences and i LOVE it. With each and every one of those imperfections i am a stronger woman. They are not imperfections....they are stories....They are experiences...they are me.

3) my smile
When i smile i feel a change in myself....in my state of being. i am instantly happier inside and out. i can make others change their attitude with one smile. The power of a smile is amazing and i want to appreciate mine today.

Until next time......

Quick Update

2006-08-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

i was looking over my blog and realized it has been a year since i started this blog. i can't believe that much time has gone by already. i started to think about how much i have changed....if any. i think i have become more confident in my submission. i am stronger and more balanced.

It seems hard for me to write this blog with Cloud being so sick. It makes my heart ache to come here and post. i know it is good for me to keep up my routines but it just isn't the same without Him here too.

A brief update on life:
i just returned from yet another trip out of state. i am looking forward to some down time this summer. It seems summers are a lot busier than i expect.

The teaching is going tremendously. They have offered me a full time teaching position. i am in deep contemplation about it. On one hand i LOVE the teaching gig but taking it on full time would mean that i have to put catering on the side. i know i think i am superwoman but i can't handle both at the same time. i have worked so hard to get my business up and running and now that it is profiting it is hard to walk away. i can maintain the business with my extra help but it will suffer from my absence. i just don't know what to do.

i have been spending time singing lately too. It has been a great release for me without Cloud around. It helps me express myself in a safe way. i have found solace in my music and have developed a greater appreciation for it. i love the freedom it give me. i love the enjoyment i receive from it....and to be completely honest i like the attention it give me.

lucy and i have also been developing a very strong friendship. she is an amazing girl and one i hope to have present in my life for a long time to come. Her Master has asked that i spend more time with them both but i haven't been able to ask permission from Cloud. Once He is better iw ill see how He feels about me spending more time in a submissive manner with them.

Well that is the short sweet version of things right now. i am off to class and will be posting more regularly.

Until next time......

Sad

2006-07-26T18:11:00.000-07:00

my heart is sad right now. Cloud is not well. i am not supposed to worry about Him.....Ugh! How is that possible?

When i first heard the news i thought i would just retreat and feel sorry for myself. Well that is just silly and NOT what Cloud would want. i stopped myself and asked, "What would CLoud want me to do?" He would want me to continue with normal routine, follow the trilogy and wait for instructions. Hmmmm......it is hard to do when You are worried. (Ooooppppsss.....did i say that) Anyway, i decided to follow my routine as best i can and wait to hear more about His condition.

Until next time........

Feeling better

2006-07-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

well i got sick....yet again. It seems this year is my year to be sick. i have never spent so much time in bed as i have this year. i have spent some time thinking....well lots of time thinking and i basically over extend myself. Then i run myself ragged trying to keep my promises and i get sick. Am i trying to do to much? Do i need to place more limits on myself? Should i be a little bit more selfish at times? YES!

This is one of those things that i know and understand but can't seem to change. i love to help people and do things for others....more than myself. i am giving and it is something that i cherish about myself...one character trait that i actually like about myself....go figure that it is the one that is hurting me the most right now....Ugh!

i initially thought that i needed more balance......BUT i think i just need to take on less. i can't do ALL the things i want to right now. i can do them just in increments.....spread them out so i don't get run down. All this thinking has made me make some decisions:

1) i will only be taking two catering jobs a week while i am teaching...keeping them to the weekends. This will allow me to focus on teaching and give it the time i desire to. Taking the two catering jobs will help me not loose business. I am going to rely on Morgan for those two jobs more than i have in the past. (i tend to be a bit of a perfectionist in my career, and have a hard time letting others take over....hehehe)

2) Spend more time with my family. This is always on mylist but if i cater less i can actually accomplish this.

3) schedule time each day to focus on my submission. This is something i need and desire the most right now. i want to dig deeper into my submission so i need time to focus on it.....if i have to schedule that time, so be it.

4) Remember i am not superhuman and give myself a break every now and then:)

5) spend some time having fun on things i like to do....like singing, and just spending time with friends. i need to remember that i am only here once in this body and i want to enjoy it. i don't have to spend all my time on my career to be successful.

6) Remembering that i am rich already!!! (not in the monetary sense)

These are a few of the things i am going to try an implement in my life. i got too caught up in doing, doing, doing and lost sight of my real goals. i want to enjoy this life and the riches i already have......not waste them by struggling for the riches i don't think i have yet.

Until next time..........

A Friend

2006-07-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone!

i have added a new link to my blog.....slave lucy.

Vacation over

2006-07-06T06:31:00.000-07:00

Vacation time is over and i am back to the normalcy of life. It is always nice to come back to my home......there is no duplicating the comfort one feels at home.

i have definitely put my submission on the back burner lately. i have not lost sight of it or lost my balance.....just took a bit of a break. i needed to ut my mind back into focus. Sometimes there are moments when ineed to evaluate my life and make sure i am on the path i want to be on. This break has showed me that i am right where i want and need to be. While i was away i realized that it has been almost a year since i meet Cloud.....i can't believe it myself. i thought about who i was then and who i have become since then. i feel i am a much stronger sub.....a more balanced sub....and a more secure sub. i love who i am! i love who i see myself becoming! i am SO happy i decided to step back into the lifestyle. i honestly thought i would hit a point where i would run and hide BUT i don't feel that way at all anymore. i am right where i need to be! i would ike to articulate my feelings better but right now i need more of a caffeine jolt to be able to do that.

Until next time...........

2006-06-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

i have recently asked, and been granted, a release from my normal tasks for my vanilla world has been in turmoil. i have had a sadness overcome my life and i need some time to recover. i know i will be fine, and i find strength in knowing that! i will return to normal activity and tasks after the fourth of July.

One thing i have noticed during all this is that i find strength in my submissive side. i know it isn't weak for me to cry. i know it isn't weak for me to need help and i now have the strength to let myself cry openly. i know i am not weak for needing to have a break from normal routine.

When iasked for a break from my tasks i initially thought it would be bad to step away from my submission. i thought i would loose sight of the one thing that would help me the most during all this. i then realized i am not asking from a break from my submissive self.....just my tasks. Just because it coincides with my submission does not mean it encompasses my whole submission. The reason i bring this up is because i have been trying to find a balance in my life.....trying to balance my submissive world and my vanilla world. i realized here that i am doing that better than i realize. i am applying my submissive side to my everyday life. the tasks don't make me submissive......they help me delve deeper into that side of myself. They aren't what encompass my submission. Seems like a silly thing not to realize, but in a long distance relationship your tasks are what you hold onto....BUT that isn't everything my submission is about. It goes deeper than a task.

All this "enlightenment" helps me to better appreciate Cloud. Without Him i wouldn't be able to see or understand all this. He has helped me be bale to bring my submission to life and find a balance. Thank You Cloud!!!!

TEN Finally!!!

2006-06-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

You said, "I do not believe that love sworks you have commitment you have sharing and i can see that you have loyalty and I see that but love all I see is are words written about it but nothing that cannot be described in other words that describe actions, usually under the heading of love, much better."
Okay this answer didn't make much sense to me.....BUT what i think i got from it was that You can't 'see' love, so it doesn't exist or You don't give it much power in Your life. Isn't there many ways people express love in an action? Do You feel You have ever really been in love?

"To say that I am beating someone ass because I love them no it is because I enjoy it." Haven't You ever given a sub something they wanted more than You did? Why or Why not?

Do You feel love hasn't entered Your BDSM life because of vanilla commitments?
What means more from You...Love or Commitment?
What means more to You...love or commitment?

"Again not love but honor relates to it " Isn't there love in honor? i mean to truly honor someone don't you need to love them?

Did You learn anything about Yourself during this challenge?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well i totally have PMS and all this masturbating is making things SO intense for me. i get insanely horny during my period times. Now to make things worse i have to masturbate five times a day for five minutes for five days with no orgasm......OMG!!! This is going to be difficult!!!! i am learning my lesson.....i am learning my lesson....i am learning my lesson......i am learning my lesson.....i am learning my lesson....Ugh!!!!!!!

Now i am off to play with myself again and listen to my alarm shock me out of my fantasy.......Grrrrr.
Until next time......

Punishment & 9 questions

2006-06-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

It seems i can't keep myself out of trouble. It is actually starting to frustrate me because to me it means i am not focused enough. When i get out of my submissive mode i loose my focus.....i think that has happened recently and i need to get back into balance. It pains me inside every time i do something that i know isn't acceptable. Sometimes i don't even know why i do things but others....like the alarm.....are things i know i could have prevented. If i was focused i would have been on time for lunch. If i wasn't off balance i wouldn't have trouble making sure my submissive tasks were complete. Why do i struggle so hard to find this balance?

Here is my punishment for being late yesterday. Not going to be fun but definitely a good reminder. i am sorry Cloud for being late to lunch. i know i didn't represent You well and i am SO sorry Cloud!!! i will use this time to reflect on my submission and refocus myself.

"First ling will insert the intruder. Then blog on the steps she needs to take to set her alarm when this is done she will email an apology to the Master she made wait cc to me of course. Is that it noooo then we will practice setting the alarm ling will set it for five minutes and wait till it rings then she will do it again and again until she grasps the idea that subs are not allowed to make Masters wait. ling will do this for half an hour. Then she can take out the intruder. AH but it is not over. ling will masturbate 5 times a day for five minutes each time for 5 days. When during the day is up to miss ling but of course she will have to use her alarm to make sure it is 5 minutes and NO orgasms."

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The next 9

You told me how this came to be but You didn't answer my question. "A cold uncaring individual someone without emotions" How does that make You feel....inside?

"You might well love something else as it fits your needs better." What happens to what You once loved?

Do You believe it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Where is Your romance?

"You might well love something else as it fits your needs better." Do You truly think love works that way? Is it really love if You can just turn it on and off?

This is cynicism, "why should I if you know the ending of a book and the story line why would you read it ." Do You think it keeps You from opening Yourself to love?

For fun...."If You could change that judgment what would it be too?" It is a hypothetical and for fun!!!!

How does love relate to Your BDSM world?

Until next time.......

The Intruder is back....Ugh!

2006-06-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

my task: "SO insert the intruder then think of why you should get the web cam going and how you can get those pictures and when. Wait make sure you have the right answers for these questions ling so keep the intruder in for half an hour. Then you can blog your answers to the task above. "

This was not really a fun task to do this early in the morning....BUT since it is my only time alone i have no choice....Ugh! my bottom was not very accepting of the intruder....in fact it really hurts this morning.....(i have my pouty face on)

Why should i get the web cam going.....because Cloud asked me to a long time ago. Why am i lagging....well i never really have time alone at home....actually never. If my son isn't here then my mate is. Should i be able to make time outside my house to do the pictures....yes. As soon as Sir Garrick is back from His trip i will get the pictures taken care of. i will try to get some taken with my web cam ASAP. i know i am lagging becasue i hate the way my body looks in pictures. i am not fully happy with my outward appearence yet and so i am nervous.....very nervous.

i will be a good sub and do as i am told. i will get the pictures taken by next week Cloud. i am sorry for making You wait. You know how i procrastinate when i have a task i do not like, and i am sorry. i recognize my fault and will make a change. i am ready Cloud. You should not have to wait for anything....no matter how well i can justify it in my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You do judge people but You aren't swayed by Your judgements....How is that possible?

"A cold uncaring individual someone without emotions" How does that make You feel....inside? If You could change that judegement what would it be too?

"Too much changes over the years to be able to say that one has always loved the other or will." What You once loved You may not love later?

"Only mothers are capable of not seeing the faults and irks of their children their concept of reality when it comes to their children is often clouded by this emotion." But not a Fathers? Do You think logic and reason should even play a part of love?

Do You think Your cynicsm keeps You from enjoying some parts of life?
Are You afraid to open Yourself to real love?

2006-06-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

Great news everyone.........It seems my bottom will reap the rewards of my bad behavior.....YEAH!! How did i get myself into this position?? Well i am out of my routine and i have a hard time getting back into it at times.....this being one of those times. i am out of balance and i need to even out the scales. (too many metaphors???) Anyway it seems i have been given a task of meditation with the intruder....again. In all actuality i think it will be good for me. It will help me focus and bring my submissive self to the surface. When i am out of touch i tend to suppress that side of myself. i feel like i have to be in total control....Sometimes i just need to relinquish that control. Wow, way off track....sorry for the babble.

Now onto my question task.....here are the next seven!!!

Do You really feel You don't judge people?
How do You feel about people who judge others?
If someone where to judge You at a first meeting what judgments do You think people would place on You?

"After youth and our riches are gone what else do we have." What about Love? How do You describe the perfect love?

"just a feeling that it is right to do so" Do You believe in intuition? How much would You place on an initial feeling or Your intuition?

Until next time.......

Back in Action

2006-06-14T06:20:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me at times how much my vanilla word can take over my entire world! We are back from an amazing trip! We didn't do anything that amazing just spent some good old fashioned family time together.....very much needed! Now i am back to the grind of life. i am gong to begin my teaching soon and i have to prepare for that. i have some meeting with the old teacher to go over ideas and curriculum....Never thought i would be using that word....hehehehe. i am SO excited about this teaching job!!!!!

i am also ready to get back into my submissive mode. It is amazing how much imiss it when i have to step out of it for a while. i always hold onto my submissive ideals and try to carry them into my vanilla world as much as possible......but it gets hard when i am the more dominant personality in my marriage. strange isn't it???

i don't have to much to say this morning, but will be back to write my questions later.....yes i have to finish that question task!!!

Until next time......

Lots of Stuff

2006-06-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

Do You give trust upfront or is it something that is earned?
What if someone lies to You to protect You?
Why do You place So much on honor?
Where do You draw the line on second chances?
Your answer on luck surprises me. How much do You think luck plays a role in Your life?
"both have value the must be used at the right time." When would be the right time for each...in Your eyes? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An anonymous commenter asked me a question, "How does it make you feel to know your Master kneels before another in complete submission. If they own him do they also own you? "

i do not believe Cloud is "owned" by anyone. His submissive side is something He indulges when the need is there. i personally think it helps make Him a better Dom because He understands both sides of the paddle...hehehe. From my perspective He is a Dom and i do think it would be a little strange feeling to see Him in a submissive role, but it wouldn't change any of my feelings for Cloud as my Dom. He has tapped into both sides of very strong roles in the lifestyle and how amazing that must be.

If Cloud became owned by someone i do not believe they would own me too. (i could be wrong here??) i personally think if Cloud wanted to step into a slave role that permanently then W/we would probably have to rethink our relationship. There are times in the lifestyle when there is a bit of politics....and this would be one of those situations. W/we would all need to talk and clearly establish O/our roles. i believe most anything is possible in this lifestyle, with proper communication and respect.

i know as a sub i never thought i would want to Dominant someone.....well as i dabbled into the lifestyle more and more my "Domme" side started to show itself and i think it would be fun indulge it sometimes....BUT i wouldn't want to be a fulltime Domme or have my own sub. As a sub i know how hard i can be and i am not sure i would be up for that challenge as a Domme....hehehe. i guess i pose a question to Doms/Dommes that are fulltime......would You want to become a submissive or owned slave.......or would You want to maybe indulge that submissive side here and there?

For me my heart is a submissive one. i can see the intrigue in being a Dom/Domme but that isn't where my heart lies. i have heard the argument that You can't give Your whole heart to one role if You are a switch. Don't we give our hearts to more than one thing/person throughout our whole lives? What makes the lifestyle any different? i know i got off an a tangent and i am sorry. i hope i somewhat answered your question anonymous. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On a more personal note things are gong really well for work. i got offered a fulltime teaching position for the summer program at the school. i am SO excited. i get to be a teacher and have my own class and everything...maybe even a ruler....hehehe. i guess a spatula would be more fitting. i feel really good about this new position and i can't wait to share my knowledge and love for food with others....YEAH!!!

i have been getting to know lucy more and we are really connecting. She is an amazing woman. i have been invited to dinner with her and her Master. i have to talk with Cloud first but i hope i can go. i really like having a submissive friend. It is amazing how much i never thought i needed a real time submissive friend......i think i was wrong.

Until next time...........

Round 3 and mirror exercise

2006-05-30T06:25:00.000-07:00

"Now if you are suddenly jumped by a tiger do you think you will have time to think how horrible this will be or will you just do your best to surve the attack." Yes, but if you thought about the fear then you could prepare yourself for an attack like that. Without prior thought do You believe Your odds are better to survive or worse?

Is there a difference for You between a fear You know You have to face and one that surprises You? The one that isn't a surprise, don't You think thinking about it will helpreparere You?

"believe that because of fear most people do not take the right actions to confront what gives them fear. So people make the wrong decisions sometimes they get away with it." Can You explain what You mean by "get away with it?"

Do You believe in war at all? Why?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mirror exercise

freckles.....i have freckles on my vagina. Yupthat'sts right freckles. Being very clean shaven on Sunday i spent some time exploring my private area. i noticed that i have freckles on my vagina. i couldn't believe my eyes, but thought they were cute. i know it sounds weird, but i am not even a red head and i have freckles on my vagina.....too cute. i think freckles really give a person character. i embrace my freckles....even the ones on my face.Becauseue they add to my beauty:)

my eyelashes....i love my eyes. i have a very expressive face....this can be good and bad. i can speak volumes without having to say anything. Great asset with kids:) my eyelashes really help define my eyes. Without my eyelashes i might not have such a beautiful set of eyes.

my clit.....yes my clit. i love being a woman and when i look at my vagina i can visually see part of mfemininityty. It is part of whaseparateses us from men. It isn't just a sexual part of my body....not right now anyway...hehehe. i love being a woman anembracece that everyday!

Round 2

2006-05-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

Fear is defined as: A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger. A state or condition marked by this feeling.
Worry is defined as: To feel uneasy or concerned about something; be troubled.

You use fear and worry interchangeably..Don't You think You can fear something without worrying about it?

You stated, "If it does come the worrying about what it can do to you might well be the reason you do not conquer your fear and move on." I suppose there are cases where this statement might be true, but don't You think fear can also push us to conquer something? Do You think most people succumb to their fears?

You stated, "If I were to fear something globally it would be politicians who with no true training in dealing on a world theather make decision based on their feelings rather than what is best. Examples of failed politicians would be any who caused a war to start through agression." How do You feel about the war in Iraq?

Round 1

2006-05-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the challenge has begun. i have read Clouds response to my first question. Now the original challenge, as i remember it, was to ask a question who's answer would generate ten more questions.....allowing U/us to delve deep inside Cloud. (Yeah right....hehehehe) Now my first question was: What are Your fears? (personally & globally) Cloud has responded and His answer had generated more questions.....Success i suppose.

Cloud wanted to start slowly and ask a question that generated two questions and then three and then four......all the way to ten. This particular answer has generated more than two questions.....is that against the rules? i will post two for now and if i am allowed to post the rest then i will......

1) You stated, "A lack of knowledge of what is to come, is one meaning. All fear this as it does for some produce anxious feelings." All fear this except for You? Why is that?

2) You stated, "Globally I cannot fear anything until it is brought down to a personal level." How personal does it need to get? Something like war isnÂt personal persay, but it does affect You. What about disease or environmental issues? Again not really personalÂ.would it take one of Your family being affected by it for You to fear it?

The Challenge Begins

2006-05-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

A man of honor and integrity....so much so i wonder if He should have been born into medieval times. (maybe He was in a past life) Cloud feels a connection to medieval times and brings that connection to the lifestyle. He is a man who prides himself on etiquette and protocol. "There is a certain order that should be followed and roles should be clearly stated." Cloud takes pride in His role as a Dom and that displays itself clearly. i can see that in how much time He devotes to my training, and how He covers even the smallest of details. Cloud is a bit devilish at times but in a playful way....right? He has this amazing ability to remember EVERYTHING!!!

Cloud has a very strong character. He is not to excited about getting old for it interfeers with His life....hehehe. Cloud doesn't show fear on the outside and in general doesn't wear His emotions on His sleeve.

Cloud is very protective of his vanilla world....as it should be. This is the area where i see the most emotion....or that little soft spot. i do not know much of His vanilla world but the little bit He has shared i can see His love and devotion to His vanilla responsibilities.

Cloud seems spiritually sound....meaning He is connected to His spiritual side. Not so much in a religious way. i can see His appreciation for Mother nature and all she offers. He meditates and seems to have more of an inner peace than most....well me anyway:)

Cloud is honest.

Cloud is opinionated. He is open to hearing ones thoughts, but isn't easily swayed....stubborn maybe. He is a person who appreciates a good debate, and a good challenge. A bit set in His ways, but seems to really understand my young mindset....or inexperienced mindset that is. He is very tactful with His words, and has this way of getting you to say the things you least want to say. He demands respect but offers it in return.

Cloud is a very positive person who lives without regret.

i know this is a small start but my wee one is rising and this little writing has sparked a question. This may be one i have already asked, but one i wish to expand on.

What are Your greatest fears? (related to You personally and the world)

Back in Action

2006-05-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

Whenever my path seems to smooth out a huge speed bump will come out of nowhere. This particular one is one i have seen many times, and one i would like to have disappear forever. The big bump right now revolves around my first Master. This is an issue i have been trying to lay to rest for many years. Since my last encounter with him i came to peace with things. i let them go with hopes of never letting him get "inside" me again. i think i succeeded! i had to see him again this past weekend and it didn't have it's usual emotional affect on me. Surprisingly i am feeling okay. It was more like business for me....Something i had to do...and i did it.

Now, i have a TON of work to catch up on. One of the beauties of having my own business is that i can take a trip like that without much notice.....i make my schedule. Not to mention i have two wonderful people that can take over. Morgan and Lucy did a great job. Oh, my assistant left me for a better job....Ugh! i am bummed but i totally understand. She has better opportunities with a bigger company. Being one of the little people is difficult at times. it is nice to know that i have two people i trust and that do a quality job....they represent me well.

On a more BDSM side.....i am one horny little sub. While i was away i didn't have much....any really.....time to think about sex....or sexually related things. Now that i am home my mind is racing. Cloud has given me a few days to recuperate. Thank You Cloud!! i am however wishing i could get a spanking or something. That would such a great release....but my fantasies are serving me well too.

Now i am off to a meeting and then back to the kitchen for more prep work.

Until next time........

Punished....Again

2006-05-15T10:50:00.000-07:00

So it seems i have messed up yet again. Everytime i think i am getting this submission this down.....i mess things up.

i was given the task to ask Cloud a question each day. This was supposed to be a way for me to get to know Cloud better. It seems that Cloud and i had different ideas about what this task was to mean. From reading Clouds blog these questions were supposed to help create an "emotional connection". This is not what i thought.....at all. (not to mention this isn't how i think an emotional connectionis formed)

Cloud has made it very clear that W/we are not to get emotional and i respect that boundary. i accepted that fully when i returned to the stable. With this understanding why would i think the questions were supposed to be a way to for an emotional connection? i am confused?

Why did i repeat the questions? Honestly it was a human error. with more thought i remembered the conversation W/we had about SCA. i also remember asking You that question, but repeating it was a mistake on my part. The book question....well i feel that is legitimate because people change what they read all the time. i do remember You mentioning a repeated question one other time....again an honest mistake. i will admit to not really expanding or dwelling on the answers. Why dig deep when He doesn't want me to? Why dwell when i am not supposed to get emotional or personal? At times i find myself sitting there with no idea what to ask. i can't be too personal and i can't be emotional....well that is who i am....so what to ask? It turns out to be a harder task than it needs to be.

i do not have the answer to that question. After i was released i erased most of Clouds emails. It was an emotional cleansing for me. By doing this i lost the answer to the question.

i am sorry for not having the answer Cloud.
i am sorry for repeating a question.
Most of all i am sorry for making You feel slighted. That just makes my heart ache!!!

2006-05-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

i hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!!! i know i did and it made me feel great....and appreciated.

i did my meditation yesterday and i spent the time really thinking about rocks and it's connection to subbing. Here goes.....remember i am not very good at this kind of thing, so bare with me.....i am learning.

Lately i have been trying to learn not to overthink my tasks. Once things are a rule there is no discussion....it is a rule! At that point i need to recognize that i should no longer think about the task or rule....just act. As a sub it isn't my place to question everything Cloud presents before me. It is my job to listen and act according to what tasks are placed before me. A rock doesn't think....it just is. i know i should think less and act more.

i think i could learn more about stillness from a rock. i am fidgety and i think i really gain something from learning to be still. To enjoy being still and appreciate the stillness of life. there are times when i should sit back and watch...not always act. To be still and appreciate what is going on around me. There is a certain peace associated with stillness....one that would be nice to find in myself.

well like i said i am learning.....i am not very comfortable with meditation. i feel like i am not doing it right.....actually i am probably overthinking it.....hehehe. i need to just sit and enjoy the peace. i need to stop trying to find this great meaning to everything and just appreciate the silence....the stillness....the peace of meditation. Why is this so hard for me? i honestly am trying.....patience isn't my strong point.

i have been given three new positions to learn.

Ass offering position kneeling: this should be an easy position as you are kneeling for it. Knees must be 16 inches apat ass is high in the air your forehead on the ground and your hands are behind you holding your ass cheeks apart for view and use.

Pussy punishment position: Flat on your back you then bring your legs up wrap your arms through your legs and hold your legs behind you knees this sort of forces you to watch your pussy being smacked doe snot allow you to close your pussy tot he attention of the strap or spoon

push up punishment : feet must be 24 inches apart you start in a push up position lift your self until your arms are fully extended keeping your legs straight and your feet 24 inches a part your body is ridged. so you look as if you are doing a push up and youhold it when you are fully extended you hold that position

i really enjoy learning and practicing these positions. It really helps me tap into my submissive self each day. i feel myself relax and it actually makes me wet sometimes....hehehehe

Until next time......

Feeling Good

2006-05-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

Lots has been going on for me lately. i have been working my little butt off!! my calendar is starting to fill up and that is really nice. It makes me feel like i accomplished something big....i made my business profit!

Anyway, i haven't been being a good sub. i only did one meditation round yesterday and i haven't done any yet today. i think i need to make a set time for it. Maybe do it right when i wake up and once before bed. We shall see. i find it most advantageous in the afternoon, but it is hard to find time alone. i should scout out the parks near the school. Another things to consider is having to carry the intruder around with me....Hmmm...it is a little naughty:) Random thought..... i like the feeling of being so "filled" with the intruder and a dildo. it made me thing i think it would be fun to wear chastity belt. ( i will probably kick myself for saying that, but i might not....hehehehe)

i am sorry for slacking so much Cloud. i know i need to get organized....yet again. It seems i struggle when given a group of new tasks at once. i will get it, but tend to falter in the beginning. i am trying Cloud. i am ready for this!

i will post more tomorrow on the meditation.

Something totally awesome happened to me today...
i have been going threw all my old clothes trying to get organized to have a yard sale. i have bags and bags of clothes that don't fit and i have been holding on to the for years hoping to have this yard sale. i am slow at things huh??? Anyway, i thought it might be a good idea to try some of the clothes on since i have lost some weight. Well......all of the old clothes fit!!! i couldn't believe it. It is like having a whole new wardrobe again. It made me smile a BIG smile today!!! i am feeling good about my body, and i like that feeling. my mate even commented on my body....hehehehe.

Well i am off to cook a dinner party. It is a fantastic menu.....Yummy!! i am bringing Lucy along as a server. i hope she does a good job, because she would be a nice asset with the proper training.

Until next time......

Finally!!!!

2006-05-12T07:31:00.000-07:00

Finally i have my computer functioning.....and the internet....and blogger. It seems if one thing is working another isn't, and i almost lost my head yesterday. i had a horrible day! Things are looking brighter today, but imust make amends for my attitude yesterday. It can be hard to maintain good behavior when everything feels like it falling apart around you....Ugh!

Now onto the good stuff....well that's all relative. i have been doing my meditation for the past two days and i am trying so hard to find an appreciation for it. i have found that by the end of the ten minutes i am more relaxed. It is harder than i thought to relax with that intruder filling me up. i try to not focus on it, but i find that as i do that i focus on it more.....SO i think if i just accept this task...instead of fighting it......i will have an easier time with it. i find that as i prepare for the task i get frustrated and angry because i don't want to do it....but i know i have to. Wow, this is a harder lesson than i thought. It is hard to put my own thoughts & wants aside and really get what Cloud wants me to get out of this task. It is turning out to be a great lesson in submission for me. Not everything is going to be fun, and not everything is going to be what i want. Instead of focusing on how much i don't want to do this i am trying to focus on the submission of the task. Once i get that focus i think i will get much more out of the meditation.

Why do i fight certain things? Why can't i just be a good subbie and stop fighting things? i know i am not "bad" persay, but i do struggle with things i don't want to do. That is not a good subbie mind set. i need to remember my place and just act when a task is placed before me. i am starting to understand more Cloud's point about not thinking...just acting. If i continue to overthinking this task i will never get anything out of it. if i just embrace it because Cloud wants me to i will get so much more from it. Why is that such a hard lesson for me? i am working on it and i am committed to understanding this lesson....and truly "getting" it!!

Now i am off to the kitchen......i will try to post more later tonight!
Until next time.......

2006-05-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first day with my new mediation task. Let me just start by saying the first time it sucked. my bottom was totally rejecting the butt plug. i had to really relax a bit before i could insert it. i didn't want to do it, and i could tell by my body's response. Once the intruder was in place i went outside and sat. my rectum was throbbing and so uncomfortable it was all i could focus on. i couldn't get myself to relax enough to enjoy the meditation. The long hard butt plug was the subject of all my thoughts. i thought about how i should have kept my mouth shut, and i was beating myself up for having opened it int he first place. i must be stupid, because i should have known better than to ask for a different task.....Stupid subbie move.

Later in the day i had to do this task again.......Yup, again! Back to my room to get the lube with less truggles getting the intruder into place. This time i tried really hard to relax....really hard. i concentrated on my breathing and the sounds around me........never letting my mind revert it's attention back to my throbbing rectum. i think i got a little more out of the second round. i was less angry about the intruder and more focused on the task....meditating. i started to loose myself in the sounds of nature that surrounded me. It was really beautiful. Have you ever really just listened to the outside world? It is amazing how much the world has to say...even in silence.

i walked away from the second round much more relaxed than the first. Was i more relaxed than when i started the meditation.....Hmmm i suppose. i find myself really resisting this task. i am not sure why? Usually even when it is a task that i dislike i can turn it around and do it....with little struggles. This is different. i felt myself wanting to rebel. i truly didn't want to do it. It was a good test for me. i did it for Cloud and because Cloud told me to. i know i may not see the benefit right now but in time i will. It is hard to do tasks without overthinking them.

Then to top the day off i had to have anal sex with my mate. i hate anal sex! i can't say that i have ever really enjoyed it. Maybe there is something i am missing, but it grosses me out. my mate was ecstatic. He LOVES anal sex and loves my new appreciation for it.....hahahaha. i told him i was instructed to this, and that just made his smile bigger. i have to say though that all the stretching from the butt plug made anal sex easier.....my bottom was more accepting.

Until next time..........

Big Mouth

2006-05-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

Here i am at work trying to get paper work done and all i can think about is how much of a big mouth i have. Yup, that's right a big mouth....one that gets me into lots of trouble.
Today Cloud was talking to me about my meditation task. This is something Cloud feels i need to relax and help me center myself.....sounds great....if you like meditation. This is a difficult task for me. i really didn't want to do it anymore....SO this is where my big mouth gets me into trouble:

me: "May i please have another way to relax....Please Cloud?"
(Cloud responds very quickly)
Cloud: "sure"
me: Quietly waiting for His idea, contemplating if this was way too easy.
Cloud: "Why don't insert Your butt plug while You meditate."
me: Dead silent with bewildered look.
Cloud: "Oh and do it twice a day!"
me: "seriously?"
Cloud: "Don't I look serious. Maybe we should add a listerine strip to the butt plug??"
me: "No, no...thats' okay."

Can you believe it?? i should have known better! Will i ever learn not to open my mouth? Maybe i should ask to be gagged as a preventative measure....hehehe. This really sucks and i am going to mediate on the lesson here so i actually learn it this time!!!

Time to find my inner peace!

Monday Musings

2006-05-08T06:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day. my guys and i had a family day. We made a big breakfast and then as a team we did some chores around the house. Finally, as my wee one put it, we went out to the skate park. Now i don't like to brag about my little guy but he has tremendous gross motor skills and can use a scooter like an 8 year old. He has no fear at this age and he uses that to really take advantage of the scooter. It is amazing to watch. i packed us a picnic with leftovers from work.....we were in heaven.....food heaven that is:)

Now onto the lifestyle stuff......

i have been given this task to masturbate these past four days. It has been difficult with all the tension between Cloud and i. my fantasies have been blocked in a way. i would find myself starting to play with my clit building a fantasy in my head and then a few minutes later i realize my mind has drifted to the situation between CLoud and myself. i couldn't really get aroused for Cloud whn i knew He was upset with me.....go figure. It is hard to pleasure yourself when Your Dom is upset at You!! The task was to masturbate three times a day....orgasm must occur within 20 minutes or i had to give myself 5 smacks to my clit. (clit smacks would be so much more fun if someone else was giving them to me.) There were two days where i only orgasmed once BUT yesterday i managed to orgasm all three times. It was wonderful. Things cleared up between CLoud and myself so i was able to focus on my fantasy.....not on my behavior. It was a much needed release. my clit is throbbing for attention as we speak....hehehehe

i also had to do the mirror exercise yesterday. i am not a big fan of this exercise, but i understand it's benefit. Sometimes i find myself standing there for a long time before i can see something.

my neck: While masturbating i was thinking about having hands around my neck. i like that feeling of control it gives my Dom. i feel very submissive and controlled when i feel hands wrapped around my neck. i haven't engaged in breath play or anything like that (wouldn't mind trying it though). i love the feel of a collar around my neck and how sexy it can make me feel. i love how i can dress my body up by accentuating my neck. It is a very sexy part of the body!!

my hips: my hips help define my curves and i like that. i have nice child baring hips....if you know what i mean. As i get older i appreciate my curves more!

my teeth: This may sound weird but i have a huge smile and with bad teeth i would look horrendous. When i smile you can literally see almost all my teeth. They are white, straight and can chew anything given to them. a new appreciation!!!

Now i am off to shower
Until next time.........

Punishment part 2

2006-05-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

i almost forgot...not sure how???

The other part of the punishment was to wear the butt plug for 10 minutes before i wrote the blog. Ugh!! i did it....and as far as i could tell i didn't have a smile :)

2006-05-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

The Punishment: you will write a blog describing why a slave or sub should not be frustrated nor should they think too much what they should do is what is asked of them. In it describe what a submissive is and how they should act when told to do something or are given a rule.

This has been a hard one for me.

Part of my character is thinking too much. It can be a weakness, and in this case it was. i recognize that i didn't have my submissive hat on during this conversation. i wanted to be validated and i did loose sight of my position. Part of that comes from this being an old issue for U/us....the other part stems from my own weakness to trust. i came back into this training understanding, quite clearly, Cloud's boundaries. i DO understand them and i DO accept them. Part of that acceptance is changing myself. i am a highly emotional woman and this is an emotional journey for me. i have to take the emotional journey alone and that is a struggle at times. There are times where i put my need for emotional connection ahead of my submission. i loose sight of my place. i am grateful to have a Dom who is willing to help guide me. i will falter but i am committed to this journey Cloud.

i shouldn't get frustrated with Cloud. i should trust that He knows what is best for me. i have to put my own fears aside and trust. The big word....TRUST. Do i trust Cloud?.....Yes. Why do i let my fears get in the way of that trust?........Because i over think things, because i am needy at times, because i am human. i recognize that i need to trust in my Dom more. Trust that He always has my best interests at heart.

i know that when given a rule or task i am not to think i am to act. i know my place Cloud. There are just times when i may need a little reminder. i know i need to control myself and my emotions better. When i begin to think too much i can loose control of my emotions.

Am i willing to change to continue my training.....Yes!
Is it going to take some time to change....Yes!

Thank You Cloud for giving Your time to train me. i am forever grateful! i am sorry for my actions Cloud.

Punishment & Other Stuff

2006-05-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i let my sarcasm get the best of me. i talked in a very disrespectful, sarcastic way to Cloud. i was frustrated and when i am not feeling heard of validated i tend to get sarcastic instead of angry. i should have better control. i was wrong and i am sorry.

Punishment: you will write a blog describing why a slave or sub should not be frustrated.....nor should they think too much. What they should do is what is asked of them. In it describe what a submissive is and how they should act when told to do something or are given a rule. i also have to wear the butt plug before i write the blog.

i need some time to prepare my thoughts on this punishment because right now i am struggling with it.

On a little lighter note.....i had so much fun yesterday....beyond my frustration. Lunch with Lucy was great. We really have a lot in common and it proved to be a nice start to what i hope will turn into a friendship. i am going to take my time in letting her into my life....i think i need to be a bit more cautious in that department. i am excited to have the prospect of a submissive friend.......in my area.....one that i can talk to face to face....not just online. Don't get me wrong i find great support with all my online friends and i appreciate this outlet SO much.

i also got to sing yesterday and that release alone was amazing. Lucy did come with me and she is actually a singer herself. She plays guitar too, so maybe she can help me expand my knowledge there. You know when you bring someone into your circle and they just fit.....thats how it is with Lucy. i can't wait to meet her Master.

Well i am off to work. i have the interns today to help me with the party tonight. It will be interesting to see if any of the lines are blurred with Lucy. i think things will be fine, but there is always concern. Morgan was skeptical too. We shall see soon enough.

Until next time.......

Relaxation....Release

2006-05-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

Today should prove to be a more mellow day!! i have one meeting and then i am taking the afternoon for me. i plan on having lunch with Lucy from the intern program. She has asked me a couple times and i can't keep brushing her off with work stuff. i have tried to figure out why i am apprehensive and i know it is because the conversation will turn tot he lifestyle. i am nervous to share that with her. Is that normal? Making friends amongst the lifestyle is so important, but for some reason i feel it will detract from my position as her boss. i just don't want to complicate things. i really do like the idea of having a submissive friend who isn't only online.

another fun thing planned for today is some time singing with the band. Morgan i decided we needed a little fun and relaxation. Music is an outlet for us both to release our tension and just let loose. i can't wait to put my vocal cords to use in a way other than direction. i feel like all i do is direct people in my life. Which really is the simple truth.....i am boss at work, i am a mother and i am a wife. When i don't get to kneel on my knees and release that i have to find other ways.....like singing. i can't wait to sing out all my aggression. i was thinking about inviting Lucy there to get to know Morgan more too, and meet my wee one. If you can't tell i am SO excited about getting to sing today.

On a more submissive note.......i have a hard time feeling submissive when iget caught up in my daily grind. i want to have that inner feeling more often. How to accomplish that........more time spent. i need to spend more time focusing on my submission. That is the only way i can truly get all that training can offer. Well, i am striving for balance and others have said that the strive is sometimes enough....we shall see.

Until next time..........

Feelings

2006-05-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

When your Dom is down/sad......don't we as subs feel that too?

i knoww i am not allowed to worry about Cloud....(not sure how to obey that rule) but it is hard not to feel His sadness. When a Dom/Domme isn't in their "normal" state it does have residual affects on their subs. How am i supposed to ignore my feelings of worry. i try to tell myself that Cloud would be upset if He knew i was worried. i don't even think it is worry....more just concern. i want to make sure He is doing well.....just as much as He would for me. Why can't we reciprocate? Why can't i voice concern? chirp, chirp, chirp!!!!

i am sure i will have to answer to this post but it is raw emotion. i can't help but be concerned about Cloud, and i wish i didn't feel so badly about doing it.

Too many hats to choose from!

2006-05-03T06:36:00.000-07:00

Today, like most days i will wear my chefs hat. i will be in the kitchen preparing for three catering jobs and teaching the interns. i have to admit that teaching the interns has turned out to be very fun and great for free labor....hehehe. i have to be in control and take charge. i am the boss and everyone is looking to me for direction and support. Today i am not feeling much like wearing my chefs hat.

There are days, like today, where i feel a little down...a little emotionnal. On days like that i would prefer to wear a different hat. One that doesn't require so much responsibility...One that is more for fun. One that is just for me....like my performing hat. i would love to get on stage and loose myself in the music right now. Music always makes me feel better. i have never fully understood my connection to music but it is there and it is very strong.

Today more than ever i would like to loose myself in my submissive hat. i would like to just be a sub today...not have to think and be in control. i want to relinquish my control and be in service today. The feelings are strong today. i think it might have something to do with my disobedience, but it could also be the need growing. i want to make my submission more predominant in my life. Is that even possible? i am working on finding my balance, and once that is stab;e i think i will feel less up and down....or at least that's what i hope.

Bad Decision

2006-05-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

Today i had one of those good sub vs bad sub moments. i woke up and received an email from Cloud. He had a family matter to attend to and wouldn't be in touch with me until Wednesday the earliest. i was running late this morning and thought, "great, i can wait on my morning email and blog because Cloud wont be around till late." Wait, wait, wait.....is that really how a good sub thinks? i was feeling overwhelmed and figured i could use the break......not my decision. i know i should have taken care of my emails and blog, but i let the bad sub win. Of course Cloud was finished with His obligations before i got to my emails & blog, and went to see how His sub was and had nothing in His box. The thing that get to me the most is that i caused Him unnecessary worry. He sent me an email asking if there was an emergency. my heart sank when i read that. Bad, bad, bad ling!!! i knew better and now i am feeling it inside....the place it hurts the most.

i am SO sorry Cloud.

Another Monday Dawns

2006-05-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where you read something from your Dom/Domme and you know you are in trouble. They don't even have to say that directly.....you just know? Well i had one of those moments this morning. Cloud left a comment on my blog that suggested i forgot to thank Him in my blog....about the party. Now, i am always ontop of those things....that is a basic rule....one i couldn't believe ih ad forgotten. It turns out that it was a misunderstanding, but it was a long two hours of contemplation. i felt horrible. i hate letting Cloud down, but when it is a basic rule of etiquette i get even more down on myself. i am my own worst critic.....very harsh on myself.

i know it was a misunderstanding but it made me think. It made me think about how much i really want to focus on my submission. How i wish i had more time to focus myself....then i wouldn't forget such easy rules. (i know i didn't forget this time, but i have in the past) i spend lots of time trying not to forget big rules or tasks that i forget the basics. That says to me that i need to focus more.

Today i have a ton of running around to do, and a class to teach at the school. i am not sure why the school is calling on me more and more to teach, but i am really enjoying it. It is amazing to see people learn and become excited. It makes me feel giddy inside when i find a student with the same passion i have. i also love sharing knowledge. there is just something about food that brings people together. To further my knowledge i sign up to take a few baking classes. i am great at savory foods, but when it comes to baking i am not that great. There is something about the need to measure everything precisely that makes baking hard for me. i know i would be better at baking if i measured things, but it goes against my kitchen principles. i am definatly a cook who adds a little of this and a little of that...never really following a recipe. i think a recipe is a guide....a base of knowledge for you to create from. We shall see how this measuring thing goes.

Until next time.......

Friday Night & Mirror exercise

2006-04-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

Friday night was amazing!!!! i had more fun Friday night than i have had at a play party in over 8 years. i actually got to fly into my sub space......i can't even remember the last time i felt this way. It is like i am high! Thank You Cloud for allowing me to attend the party! i only wish You were there!

i don't even really know where to begin......

i arrived at Sir Garricks early because i was preparing dinner. We started the evening with served appetizer: brushetta and a beggars purse stuffed with cheeses and marinated artichoke hearts. Dinner began with a Waldorf salad, assorted breads and cheese and a chardonnay to compliment. Dinner consisted of stuffed chicken breast with mushroom ricotta and asparagus. Dessert was assorted fruits with chocolate fondue.....i found these tiny fondue pots for individual service, so fun!! (i totally get off on this kind of stuff.....hahahaha) i set a beautiful table with my personal china and silver. Dinner went off without a hitch and the food was spectacular...if i do say so myself:)

During dinner prep Sir Garrick and i talked about what the limits were for the evening. He asked me a ton of questions and reassured me that i was safe with Him. He promised to be by my side at all times and we agreed on a safe word. i usually don't request to have one, but felt security in it last night. ( i didn't have to use it!) He gave me a little hint into what He was planning but left most things to surprise.

When people started to arrive i felt like my stomach was going to jump out of my throat.....my palms were all sweaty and clammy. Once things started to progress i calmed down pretty quick and felt secure in being at Sir Garricks side. One thing about Him is He always makes me feel special and important....like He is proud to have me at His side. i was quickly shoed into the kitchen and was given the aide of the other sub at the party......lil blossom, owned by Master Maxwell. She was so nice and made me feel at ease. One of the couples scheduled to come couldn't make it so there was only four of us. It was intimate but very comfortable. During our time in the kitchen we got a chance to get to know one another a bit....it helped later.

After dinner we all retired to the basement and that is when i totally fell into sub mode. One of Sir Garricks rules for me is no clothes in the basement. Before entering the room i removed my clothes and knelt by the door waiting for instruction. lil Blossom and i watched as Sir G. and Master M. went to work setting up the room. The room didn't have much furniture there was a spanking bench, a saint Andrews Cross, a couch and few chairs. Other than that there was just LOTS of paddles, floggers, straps, a cane, and various rods. Oh yeah there was a chest filled with toys....hehehehe. The men sat and Sir garrick ordered me to show myself. i didn't hesitate, but moved slowly. i was so nervous i could barely walk....then i heard, "Quickly ling!" i definitely picked up my pace.
He proceeded to "inspect" (for lack of a better word) me and i haven't felt that small in a long time. He stepped back and told me to fetch the toy i brought with me, sit in the chair and begin masturbating. He told me not to orgasm without permission, then He placed a ball gag in my mouth. (Go figure) They all watched me as i sat there and played with myself. i was so embarrassed! After a few minutes Sir Garrick and Master Max turned their attention to lil blossom and began securing her to the cross. i watched as they fondled her and spanked her. i wanted them to do that to me. At that moment i felt really frustrated, i couldn't say anything and i couldn't orgasm. Then right when i thought i was going to go over the top Sir Garrick came back to me. He sat down next me and started to play with my nipples, paying attention to each one with great intent.....intent on making me squirm in pain. It was a great pain.....hehehehe. my body was writhing with pleasure and i seriously thought i was going to orgasm.....i was loosing control. Sir Garrick looked deep into my eyes and asked me if i would like Him to remove the gag. i moaned and pleaded with my eyes....God i wanted to ask to orgasm SOOOO badly. He laughed, but knew i had had enough. He removed the gag and i immediately began to beg. "Please may i cum Sir Garrick?" He grabbed my hair and pulled me close to Him......whispered in my ear....."Cum ling!" i closed my eyes and thought of Cloud.....i felt Him there giving me that pleasure.= i thought i was going to flood that place with my juices. It was the most amazing release!!! It was a full body orgasm....i was shaking with pleasure.

After i came back to life Sir Garrick asked me if i wanted to continue or if i had enough? Are you kidding me.....keep going!! He ordered me to position myself on the spanking bench. Not my first choice, but it wasn't mine to begin with. He secured me and i was surprised with the amount of immobility i had. He placed a ball gag in my mouth, bigger than the last one, and a blind fold. As He secured the blind fold He told me i was safe, to relax and enjoy the ride. Earlier in the evening Sir Garrick had me role some dice. At the time He told me to be patient and i would find out what it was for later. Before He started He asked me if i remembered what i had roled. i felt the butterflies begin....a 4 & 5.....then He said He would add the numbers to decide how many different toys He would use on me and He would multiply them to find the number of smacks i would receive from each instrument. The butterflies were really swimming around now....OMG 9 different toys and 20 smacks with each toy....Holy Sh--! i began to squirm to panic but there wasn't time for that because He was quick to begin. He began light with a flogger and i quickly lost myself in the spanking. He was very kind in the beginning, but with each toy He used the smacks got harder and came more quickly. Sir Garrick was kind enough to fondle and play with me between each toy. i honestly didn't think i could handle that many smacks but i did and boy did i fly. Master Max did partake in choosing a toy and giving me 20 smacks. He choose a thick, flexible strap that hurt like a B----! It wasn't as strange as i thought it would be to have Master Max play with me. After i received all 180 smacks Sir Garrick retrieved my bullets and brought me to another orgasm. It was so intense....i think i floated away from my body.

The night ended with lots of hugs and many Thank You's! i am so grateful i was invited to this party. Thank You Sir Garrick for taking me to a place i haven't visited in a long time. You truly are a kind man and a wonderful friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mirror exercise

This morning i had fun doing the mirror exercise!

my bottom: Today i would like to acknowledge my butt. Last night i was so proud of my butt, and today i can honor it by appreciating the marks on it. There are a few red lines and bruises. i haven't had bruises in SO long!!! It is sore to sit down and even as i type this i am shifting my weight so as not to irritate it more. It makes me smile and i feel very proud of my marks. It is strange to some, but to me it is like a badge of honor....one i am proud to wear.

my giant mouth: Without the size of my mouth i wouldn't be able to take the size gags that i can...or the cock for that matter. i love the ability i have to take a cock in my mouth and service it without much trouble. i can deep throat. i also love to kiss! i love feeling my lovers tongue in my mouth and their lips. One kiss can really make you feel close to a person.

my cooking ability: This isn't something that only one body part contributes to...many help me have the ability to create great food. my hands, my brain, my creativity, my feet, my stamina/strength, my tongue, my palate, my mouth, my smile. Sharing a meal with friends is something i cherish and i love that i have the ability to share that with others.

i think i have babbled on long enough. Thanks to all who wished me well and fun this weekend. i appreciate your warm thoughts!

Until next time......

It's Finally Friday!!!

2006-04-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

tonight is the night! i am SO antsy right now. i wish it was 7:00 and the party was starting....i am not sure i can wait all day without going crazy. It has been a while since i went to a "play" party.

Sir Garrick has requested the school girl look for tonight. i am used to being naked or in more fetish wear....this will be a nice change. i can say that when i tried on my whole outfit last night i felt really sexy....and cute....very girlie ( that's a better word). i also think i look innocent in it, which is a fun role to play too. i think Sir Garrick likes that young, innocent thing. It will be like playing a role because i am not very innocent....hehehe.

Last night all i could think about was bondage. i really want to be placed in some strict bondage. Feel that feeling of complete helplessness and surrender myself to that feeling. i have a hard time really letting go. i get caught up in nerves and fear. Keeping my mind filled with fantasies and dirty thoughts has helped...hehehehe. It has helped me not to focus on my fear. i am able to really enjoy my excitement. my past has placed this deep fear inside me, but i am tired of letting it win. i need to let myself overcome that fear or it will always peek its head in where i don't want it. i am ready to let go!!

i have felt really good this past week. i have really felt like i am focused more on my submission. i can see the change in my actions. i think i might be finding that balance i have been looking for. i still need more organization, but i am getting there. Morgan noticed that there was something different about me. He said it is like i have a skip to my step. i think He is right!

Well everyone....wish me good fun tonight! i will post this weekend with details.

Until next time......

Still Horny as Hell

2006-04-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

Here i sit with my vagina throbbing, tea in hand, ready to type my blog and all i can think about being tied up and used! i haven't been this needy in a long time....and it has only been one week! It is amazing to me the power this orgasm denial has....i think the teasing adds to it immensely. .....keeps me focused on it. (Not like my attention can be diverted for too long)

The party is tomorrow night and as things get closer i get more and more nervous. i want to make sure i represent Cloud in the best light possible. i don't want to disappoint anyone, but what if i can't do something or feel really nervous about something iam asked to do. i know i met some of the people a the party during that munch i attended, but i am still out of my comfort zone. It has been a while since i let myself step outside that. i know i will be fine and Sir Garrick is more than respectful....just nerves.

As for Lucy....i appreciate the words of wisdom my fellow bloggers offered. If i maintain the line between work and friend than i think making a new friend will be great. i will talk with her about coffee this weekend. i also am going to take her out on a couple jobs sites with me. She is very interested in learning and i LOVE that. i love to learn and find that eagerness very attractive and smart. Knowledge can only help....in the kitchen that is.

Now i am off to run around today. Oh yeah i am shopping for my outfit for the party today too. i have been instructed to wear a skirt skirt, thin, white linen blouse, and knee high socks......should be cute.

Until next time........

New Intern

2006-04-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

i have a new intern...Lucy. She has been with me for three days now and i adore her. She is the sweetest, cutest girl i have meet in a long time. the more time i spend with her the more i can tell she is submissive. The way she talks about her partner and the most obvious one is the collar. Now i don't want to be bashed for my next statement. i had to ask her to remove it and the apprehention was obvious. i have heard the arguments people have toward their collars. i did not ask her to remove it for appearance purposes....it is a kitchen rule....no jewelry of any kind. i felt horrible, but i have rules in my vanilla world that supersede my BDSM sensitivities. It was s strange position for me because i wanted her to be able to wear it. i could tell it gave Lucy a sense of comfort.

Anyway the real reason i am telling you all this story is because she asked me if i would have coffee with her. She recently moved to the area and would like to learn more about it. i would love to befriend her but i am afraid of crossing the line with work. We already hit it off, so i can foresee a friendship. Also, i have never had a real submissive girlfriend. All my girlfriends from the lifestyle are Dominant and i would love to have a submissive friend. i am still thinking it threw, but wouldl love some advice???

Until next time......

Finally!!!!

2006-04-26T10:05:00.000-07:00

Grrrrr....to blogger!!!!

It seems that Cloud is taking votes for which way, if at all, i should be allowed release from orgasm denial. i am torn weather or not to state my preference. Does it even matter what i want? Not likely so i will keep my opinion to myself and stew in anticipation. Trust me when i say i am stewing....boiling almost!

i have been doing my mediation.....i still feel a bit ambiguous about it. It is hard for me to relax long enough to do it...and then i find myself sitting there wondering what epiphany i will get from this rock today. i am a bit sarcastic toward it because i don't really know how to deeply relax myself. i think it might be easier if i had music.....the silence is hard. i think i could easily get lost in music and relax. Meditation may not be for me but i am still trying it. If anything it is a few minutes of peace....i can appreciate that.

Sir Garrick is relentless in His quest to torture me until Friday. It is hard because i have to be respectful when what i really want to do is tell Him to Piss off! In a friendly way of course. Not only is He making it hard for me to focus...He is taking a bit too much of my focus. That is one of the things that i dislike about Him....He is an attention junkie. He definitely needs a 24/7 slave. i am not saying this is a bad thing....just hard for me to provide. i am grateful to Him for His friendship! He is a good man, and will make one sub very lucky!

Now i had to wear the intruder yesterday for 30 minutes. Ugh!! that was horrible. It seemed almost worse than i remembered it. my bottom did not want to have anything to do with it...SO lots of lube and a little mental coaxing i managed to insert it....UGH!!! i thought my anus was going into convulsions. i know i am a bit dramatic but i really HATE butt plugs!!!

Now i am off to work and not orgasm when i look at my interns....naughty, naughty teacher:)

Until next time.......

Going Crazy!!!!

2006-04-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today Sir Garrick surprised me at work. He brought in lunch for me because He thought i hadn't stopped long enough to feed myself.....and He was right. While i was chowing down He mentioned that He read my blog and found it intriguing. i immediately got red faced and could feel the embarrassment growing. i knew He was going to make me talk about how horny i was. Sir Garrick of course had a huge grin when He asked me how wet my panties were. i had to tell Him i had no panties on...OMG i wanted to crawl under my desk. Then He walked behind me, placed His hand on my shoulder, leaned in real close to my ear and whispered....."i can't wait to see how wet i can make you this Friday." HOLY SH--!! my whole body was paralyzed with excitement.....i could feel the wetness on my legs. As He was leaving He laughed that evil, Sadist laugh, and told me to have fun stewing. Oh Man how am i going to wait till Friday to touch myself. i can't even play with my nipples. this is going to be tough....really tough.

This is what i was thinking about on my way home.

Until next time......

NO FAIR!!!

2006-04-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

i just now received the comment Cloud made yesterday on my blog. In it He gave me permission to use one of my toys during masturbation. Well a little to late, but much appreciated.

Yes, i am pouting a little bit.

Random Thoughts

2006-04-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

The blogs i read have been talking about switching roles in the lifestyle. this has sparked thoughts inside my head about, "Would i switch or not?" my initial response was, "Wow, that's a lot of work." i know first hand how difficult subs can be and i am not sure i am up for that challenge. Now on the purely sexual side of things......sure i wouldn't mind watching a sub squirm throughout my sweet tortures. To make them beg for an orgasm. Being able to see the need in there eyes....Yum!

One thing Cloud brought to my attention was that fact that any fantasies i have where i am the Dominant role are with another woman. i have a hard time putting a male face within those fantasies. With more thought i think this is because of my issues with men in my vanilla world. i think it is hard to let go of some of those issues...enough to enjoy seeing a man in a submissive role. Hmmmm.....the strange way our minds work. It would be nice to try and let go so i might enjoy another side to this journey.

Now onto the topic of whether a switch is confused or not??? i think it is natural to want variety. Natural curiosity gets the best of us at times....why not indulge? i can see how if a person focuses soley on one role that they might be able to achieve a deeper level of submission or Dominance. Is that better? i think it is to the individual to decide.

i am SOOOOOO horny. The past few days i have been talking.....slightly complaining....about forced masturbation. Now that i can't play with myself the need is building. my clit is throbbing and i think i might have had a small orgasm this morning......Cloud of course not on purpose. There is this one guy, an intern, that i find very attractive. He exudes this dark dominance that i am sucked into every time i look Him in the eyes. He came up behind me this morning and said good morning to me....as he said it he patted me on the back and i thought my vagina was going to explode. i swear i had a small orgasm or spasm or something. i haven't had that happen in a long time.....i am too horny! i need to stop fantasizing about my interns....OMG what a bad teacher i am!!!

Well i am off to another meeting and hopefully i wont explode into uncontrollable orgasm.......Hmmmm, maybe that wouldn't be so bad.....hehehehe!

Until next time......

Horny little sub

2006-04-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

Something fun to share.......next Friday i will be attending a dinner party with friends from the lifestyle. i will be serving the party and there mainly for that purpose but there was ahint that there might some play. Just to watch would be great but to actually participate would bring things to the next level....i can't wait. Usually i am nervous but not this time. i am so giddy inside i am not sure how i will be able to focus this coming week.

Now onto task update. i have had to masturbate three times a day for three days now...or maybe it is four.....i can't even remember because i am so overly stimulated. Before i meet Cloud i used to masturbate everyday, multiple times a day. It has been almost a year since i have had that much freedom with masturbation and i am feeling it now. i am so horny i can barely stand it and my clit is so sore. my fantasies are running crazy.....and i want to be used SO badly. i am feeling a bit weird by these feelings because it has been so long since i felt this horny and having no control over it. It really is taking all my good sub thoughts to keep from taking a toy out and using it. This is how my thought process goes: i thought about how Cloud wouldn't really know if i used a toy but i also remembered how the guilt would overcome me and i would admit my infraction and then i would probably spend time with the intruder......okay not worth it....fingers will do just fine but man i would love to be bad sub right now......it is like this never ending cycle...ahhhhh! i think this is the last day of this masturbation task...do i really want it to end????

Mirror exercise
i did this last night so i could post it today

well since i am so horny my mirror exercise is reflective of my thoughts. the first part of my body that i spent some time looking at an appreciating is my clit. it is very swollen and red right now. It throbs with every naughty thought i have and i am so very aware of it that i want to touch it all day...i am longing for more and more stimulation. It is hard too. i usually don't notice that unless i have just reached climax but it seems to be engorged all the time now....so much so that you can see it peaking out of my vagina....just screaming to be touched.

Next i turned around and started to look at my bottom. i want so badly for my ass to be red and burning. i would so enjoy that release and lets face it my bottom could use some toughening up. It is so sensitive to the touch. i also noticed how white it was and thought how nice it would look all red or even bruised for that matter. Yummy thoughts!!

Finally i was looking at my hair. Not in a beauty sense but more how i would love to see it intertwined in my Doms hands. to have Him grab my hair and force my face to worship His cock. i haven't been face fucked in SOOO long.

Lots of yummy thoughts last night.

Until next time.......

2006-04-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

Just some food for thought!

Tasks, Tasks, Tasks

2006-04-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

More task! i have to masturbate three times a day till Sunday. Please don't get me wrong i LOVE to masturbate but when it is a set task and not of my free choice then it becomes bit daunting...to much like a chore. There is no foreplay, no beating, no touching, no toys, nothing except me and my fantasies. Then there is the fact that each orgasm gets harder and harder for me to achieve...and with no outside stimulation it becomes an issue of finding enough time to achieve climax. Now this morning i thought i would play with myself before i got out of bed and i found that my clit was sore. i haven't experienced that in a long time. i did manage to push past that and have an amazing, early morning orgasm, but i anticipate later today my struggle will begin again.....hehehehe.

i also made time to meditate again....Thank You Cloud. This is proving to be very relaxing for me. When i found myself getting all stressed, impatient and irritated i figured that would be a great time to meditate. i am not one to really sit idle and enjoy it, but this was different. i sort of lost myself inside myself....i don't know if that even makes any sense. i thought about different things this time.....i thought being strong and what i think makes me strong. Then i though about being weak and what i think makes me weak. i feel weak when i have to ask for help, and when i feel sad. i thought it was interesting that i associated sadness with weakness. Then i thought being sad and what makes me sad and i started to cry. i immediately stopped myself from crying and tried to move on to something else. Of course that didn't work. Why can't i let myself be sad? Why can't i let myself grieve for the things i have lost in my life? It seems that i always have to appear strong or everything will fall apart. That's not really true so why do i feel that way? Probably because i would feel out of control and that is just not acceptable to me. i must maintain control at all times. WOW, that is kind of sad all in itself.....and enlightening!

Now onto my mirror exercise. For some reason i think that if i forget a task and get punished for that i don't have to complete it. Why? i am not really sure myself but i am going to recognize that fault and change it. (Sometimes i can really be a dense sub....hehehehe....but a dense sub that can laugh at herself)

Lately i have been analyzing my skin, my wrinkles and my stretch marks. It was like i all of a sudden got a complex about them. This week i decided to have a better appreciation for the natural side effects to child birth and aging. i have a ton of stretch marks, but all in order to have my son. Would i change that.....NO! Instead of feeling sad about them i am embracing them. They are a natural side effect of pregnancy...something i accepted when i choose to have a child. Now when i look at them i am reminded of my pregnancy and how amazing it was. i grew a human inside of me....WOW....when put into simple terms like that i am amazed. i have this amazing little boy that i wouldn't trade for anything!! Three cheers for stretch marks......too much huh?

my feet....yes again. i think i have a little foot fetish. i love feet and especially mine. Maybe that is weird but i think feet are pretty. It is what you look at when your bent over a stool or bench so why not dress them up and appreciate them. Our feet bare a lot of weight. At one point in my life i broke both my ankles and i was in a wheel chair for an extended period of time. It was the most humbling experience of my life. i have a much greater appreciation for the ability to stand on my own two feet and walk threw this life. Two cheers for my feet!!!!

Now that the sun is peeking out my freckles have started to emerge. i think freckles are really cute, and i am glad to see mine again.

i am pretty sure that is all the tasks for now.
Until next time......

AHHHHHHH

2006-04-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

Today i had a big surprise...a phone call from someone i thought would never call me again. Claire called me today...Yup that's right Claire. i am feeling really emotional about the phone call and thought coming here would help me release the emotion. i hate being all emotional it makes me feel weak....Ugh!

Anyway, she called because she has been thinking about me and wanted to see if there was any way i would talk with her...face to face. This woman has a lot of nerve. This is someone who betrayed me....in a major way out of her own jealousy and insecurity. i have been betrayed by many in my life and Claire was the last person i ever thought would hurt me. The last person i ever wanted to hurt me because i never wanted to have to ler her go. Claire was what i called my "soul sister". We are connected and i feel that every time i look into her eyes. She was my best girlfriend....the one person who knew me in ways i didn't even know myself.....the one person i could always go to without judgment.

After i was released from Cloud i ran to Claire. i wanted her to console me and heal me. i thought she would be the one person who would make me feel better....but when i ran to her all i could see was the betrayal. i felt totally out of control and became blinded by my emotion. i began to realize that Claire wasn't who i thought she was...and she definatly wasn't someone i wanted in my life. The decision to push away from Claire was horrible for me.....i was loosing my soul sister. The having to look Claire in the face and seeing the hurt in her eyes as i told her that i didn't think i could continue our friendship was heart breaking. Our hearts both broke that day. i shed tears now thinking about it....Walking away from Claire that day i told myself i would never do this again......but now she wants to see me. She wants me to look her in the eye again and hear her out. All i can think is how i don't think my heart can take anymore sadness and hurt. i don't think i am ready to forgive her and let her back in.....but there is part of me that wants grab her and never let go. i am torn and feel helpless right now. Grrrr......maybe a little angry too.

Advice....anyone????

Until the pondering stops........

More Tasks...and punishment

2006-04-21T06:01:00.000-07:00

i was thinking about that saying, "The early bird gets the worm." and how much i hate being that early bird. i have been up most of the night on mommy duty.....my wee one is sick. It has been a long night and i am definitely the early bird this morning....However i can't seem to find my worm.

Yesterday i was given a great task from Cloud. Masturbate three times for the next two days.....YEAH!!! Thank You Cloud for allowing me to pleasure myself!!! Now if i was staying at home all day this would prove easier than it was. i had to sneak off twice to get this task completed and it made me hornier (if that's really a word) with each masturbation. Even as i speak i am getting wet just thinking about having to do it again today....hehehehe. Forced masturbation is sometimes hard for me....with each orgasm it becomes increasingly harder for me to climax. That proved true yesterday. i actually spent 45 minutes, in my car, trying to get myself off. i think i was trying to hard because it didn't work....all it did was make my clit swollen and throbbing. Maybe today i will bring my pocket rocket....hmmmm? Ahhh...the joys of being a sub.

i had two other tasks to complete yesterday. One was another punishment. Yes i know...bad sub. i am to present Cloud with a question each morning and yesterday i duplicated a question. my punishment was 5 clit smack....Grrrr. i accept my punishment...Gracefully...really i do. my clit was so swollen i definitely should have done the punishment before the pleasure. These 5 smacks were actually really intense. my clit HURT when i was done. When i was finished with the punishment i spent some time relaxing and thinking about the pain. i started to fantasize about having Cloud administer the punishment....how much more erotic that would be than the humiliation i feel giving myself a punishment. then i realized that Cloud administering the punishment wouldn't really be as erotic as i would like to think, and would probably hurt more than when i do it myself. Fantasy......or reality?

The last task i had was to meditate for 10 minutes about a rock. Mediation is hard for me because i can't seem to get my brain to turn off and relax. i am always thinking about what i need to do next and where i need to be next. i know that is why Cloud wants me to do this meditation, but it is hard fo me. i found a nice quiet place to sit, uninterrupted....i got comfortable and tried to deep breath for abit to relax myself. i closed my eyes and thought about a rock. How it is hard, heavy and strong. What is the purpose of a rock...i have no idea. There are many uses for rock, but do rocks have real purpose. i suppose i would like to think most things have a purpose. (see i am not really good at this mediation thing) One of things i actually did get out of this mediation is that i can be like a rock...strong, solid and even hard, but i can also be at peace and still like a rock. Not always trying to achieve purpose but enjoying the peace of life and the calmness. Being still like a rock can have some advantages. Can i really be still like a rock? That is hard to believe but with the right incentive i can do anything.....i say that with a big grin!!

Now i am off to get a few minutes of sleep before my we one wakes up.

Until next time........

Bad Morning Turned Good

2006-04-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

Good Morning......is it really a good morning? This morning didn't start out very good for me. Lets state it simply by saying i was in a mood. i didn't want to even got out of bed, but knew i had to. That is always the worst feeling to me because i would give anything to be able to stay in bed if i so desired. Wouldn't that be a nice dream come true? Probably not but the idea of it sounds great. Generally it is just the idea of things that appeal to me but when i actually have it....it doesn't seem as great anymore. Hmmmm? Anyway, there was this point this morning when i stopped in my tracks......said to myself, "girl you need to improve your attitude." It seemed so simple but it worked. i stepped back and realized that it isn't all that bad of a day and if i had to get up i might as well be happy about it. From that moment forward the day hasn't seemed so bad. i am getting a lot done and i am finally feeling organized since my return. i slowed down a bit too....Thank You Cloud for the advice.

One of things that contributed to my bad morning was a punishment looming over my head. i had to wait till i was alone and all i wanted to do was get it out of the way. i had to give myself 25 smacks to my vagina and 5 to my clit. (the clit ones always take a few to hit it right on, so it makes for more smacks than you bargained for) i also had to give myself 1 smack for each exercise i missed the previous day. Total 38! i was dreading this punishment...i know i deserved it but i hate administering a punishment to myself. It feels very humiliating for me. i managed to get it done fairly quickly. i think all in all i received about 43 swats....a few missed clit smacks.

i am sorry Cloud. i know i need to be more organized and focused. Sometimes i think i try to hard...try to take on the world. It is hard for me to admit i can't do something or i am getting overwhelmed. i did learn from this lesson. If i am more organized i will have more time to devote to my tasks and my submission in general. If i take on only what i can handle i will not get overwhelmed. If i am struggling it is okay to talk to You about it. It doesn't make me a weal or bad sub for struggling from time to time. Also recognizing that i have a lot to learn still. i am not a super sub and i can only be the best i can be. Wow, there was a lot of lessons there! Thank You Cloud frot taking the time to train me and support me along my journey! You are a kind soul and i appreciate having You in my life. i think i will be super sub with a Dom like You....hehehehe!

Until next time.........

New Computer...

2006-04-18T06:20:00.000-07:00

i know it has been a while but my computer crashed pretty hard and i had to buy a new one....Yup i got a new computer. i have to admit at first i was so upset having to back up everything and move things around and all the other crap that goes along with a new PC......but now as i sit infront of this nice new, fast running, no problem machine i am feeling warm and fuzzy inside....hehehehe.

i haven't been feeling like a good sub lately. There is something missing from my brain...like i have skipped a step or something. i am struggling to keep the balance again, but in a different way. i am struggling with making sure i act in a way that Cloud would expect at all times....wow this is harder than i thought. i am a very decisive person....a person who usually knows what she wants and gets it. (most of the time) Now i struggle trying to make simple decisions because i am nervous it is the wrong one. i do feel secure in myself and i know that will only help.

i also have been pushing my submissive side and tasks aside at times. Most of the time i want to make them my priority but i know that isn't always realistic. i find the trilogy Cloud set forth to be helpful, but frustrating too. There are times when i feel inside like i would benefit from letting my submissive side out but can't because of the trilogy.....then there are times when i can focus on my submission but i can't seem to get myself to focus. At first i felt frustrated and like a bad sub, but now i am just more determined than ever to find my balance and let my submissive side fly free. (i am starting to feel better already)

i had the task of taking my measurements this weekend. This was extremely irritating because the only measurement that really changed was my biceps and my weight. i would have liked to see more changes, so i feel really frustrated with myself. i wanted to see more results...Grrrrr. Maybe i have hit a plateau?

Neck - 35cm
Right bicep - 39.5cm
Left bicep - 39.7cm
Shoulders - 121 cm
Chest - 105 cm
breasts - 124 cm
Waist - 117cm
Pelvis - 130 cm
Hips - 123 cm
Right thigh - 57cm
Left thigh - 57 cm
Right calf - 45 cm
Left calf - 45 cm
Weight - 195

Now i generally hate posting my weight and measurements but this time i am feeling good. Want to know why? This is the first time since my son was born that i have weighed under 200 pounds. i know some of you are sickened by that....but i feel inspired by that. Thank you Cloud for pushing me to do this.....i appreciate it more than words alone can express!!!

Now i am off to start my day.
Until next time......

Back in Action

2006-04-14T06:31:00.000-07:00

Finally my computer is back....up and running too. Usually my mate will sit and look at something that needs to be done for a few days before actually doing it......but not this time. i guess my nagging does help at times....hehehehe.

Things are starting to pick up again at work. This is great because my business could use the money. i need some new equipment and would like to give Morgan a bonus for all his hard work. i have mellowed out lots since hiring an assistant.....she doesn't like to be called secretary...not to sure why. i have started to give her a little training in prep work too....this will help tremendously and she likes it too. i think it's super important to like what you do because you spend most of your life dong it. Gail seems to enjoy working for me and i like her too.....nice fit.

i am not feeling super submissive lately. i think i will regret saying that but it is true. i want to get back into a more submissive head space. i am trying to really stay in a submissive mind set throughout my daily life. This helps me balance things better. It seems easier to incorporate my submissive side into my daily life than try to switch it on and off.

Now i would like to thank Cloud for all His patience and understanding. He is a great Dom and i am one lucky little sub. THANK YOU CLOUD!!!

Until next time........

Mirror Exercise

2006-04-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

i have to do the mirror exercise each Sunday night, but last night it proved a very difficult task. i am not sure if it is the mega PMS, but whatever the reason it wasn't any fun.

my skin: i have pretty nice, smooth, even looking skin. It is a milky white with yellow undertones not pink....no i am not jaundice. i have lots of freckles and i actually like them. i have been blessed with skin that doesn't break out too often and i am very appreciative. i only hope that my skin doesn't start sagging and hanging off my face.

my eyes: Very expressive face and i LOVE my eyes. i think my head is the best part of my body....strange but true. i love having the ability to speak volumes without saying a word....Especially to my little one......hehehehe....yes i have that, "don't you dare!" mommy look.

my hair: i spend probably too much time doing my hair, but i love to do that. i feel great when i take the time to style my hair....when i don't i feel it. i have been taught to always present my best self and part of that is my hair....right? Superficial...maybe but to each there own.

Now i am off to prepare for al ong day out in the world. it is time for me to get back into fulltime mode. Work is going great. i will find out about that wedding job this afternoon....we are anxiously waiting that call.

Now i am off to shower...and shave of course!
Until next time.....

Questions with Answers too.....

2006-04-09T07:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry it took so long!!!

butterfly asked:
1. what/where is your perfect setting? (real or imagined)
i would love to be able to experience a real, medieval dungeon....with the stockades and everything.

2. what is the most prominent thing you've learned from the BDSM lifestyle that stands out in your mind?
The ability to be open and honest....Completely without worry of judgment. Also the level of caring in the lifestyle is amazing.

3. with what BDSM submissive action do you find the most fulfillment?
i would have to say that there are many things that fall into the area of fulfillment. i love service and protocol...and it really puts me in my place mentally. It helps me focus my energy and prepare for a session.

4. what's your guilty pleasure? (love that question)
Romance novels and the occasional joint (this is a rare indulgence)

5. if you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would it be?
Albert Camus....my favorite author

6. what is one thing you feel you simply must do before you die?
In regards to the lifestyle it would have to be mummification. In my vanilla world it would be to travel outside the states.

Taylor said...
1. What is your favorite season?
Fall

2. What animal do you most relate to and why?
Otter: Joy, laughter, Lightness, dynamic energy, playfulness and the importance of playtime, freedom from jealousy or suspicion, feminine power and nurturing

Crow: Justice, balance, releasing past beliefs, greed, resourcefulness

3. What task do like most and least, that you do for your Sir?
Anything with a butt plug i despise and writing stories. i LOVE orgasm control...That's not really a task...let me see.....i love doing my positions & meditations because those are the tasks that help me really focus on my submission....mentally.

4. What is your favorite movie?
Dangerous liaisons and American History X.

5. What one thing about your life as it is today would you most like to change? my financial situation

6. What one thing about the world at large would you most like to change? Poverty levels and homelessness

CLoud said...
1 How do you define the id or soul
i look at the soul as my connection to my spirituality. i consider the soul both immortal and aware of its immortal nature. In ancient writings man is described as a triune being: body, soul and spirit. According to this the soul is just as much an envelope, animated by the spirit, as the physical body is an envelope for the soul. At death the soul withdraws and continues to function in the spiritual world.

2 when did you find out you had a submissive heart.
At a pretty young age i recognized that my desires were not of "the norm" Once i started learning and researching i just knew....and once i started experiencing things in the lifestyle there was no denying that need within myself.

3 What songs do you like to sing the most on stage
It really depends on my mood. i have been really into the folk music lately...like Indigo Girls....but i have a love for the punk and ska music. There is a certain rush from that upbeat, heavy, funky music that i love and the audience at those shows are so amazing!!! The energy is unreal sometimes....it is just plain fun!

4 Where were you the first time you achieved flight
The first time was during my first really long session. The build up and length was so intense. i don't remember much of what actually happened once i started to float, but it was amazing.

5 Why do protocols turn you on so much.
Honestly i don't really know. i find comfort in those simple things....i feel submissive when i engage in them. Also, i think maybe there is a bit of fear in finding comfort and inner peace in a hard session.

6 Would you relive you life exactly as it was to arrive at the same point again or would you change it and probably your situation change.
NO

Following the Masses

2006-04-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

i was up early this morning and wanted to catch up on my blog reading and almost every blog i went to had this little game on it. At first i figured i would just get Cloud upset with this post, but it can be an activity that will help me look inside myself....and Cloud is very supportive of that. i think this has the potential for some fun too!

YOU CAN ASK ME SIX QUESTIONS IN COMMENTS:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
No matter how random, revealing, rude, naughty or pointless. I will do my best to answer within reason... but no, I won’t give you my address, my name, my phone number or other facts that might lead to stalkers, crazed ex-lovers, or such on my doorstep.

Until later today.......

2006-04-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

i am on the mend.
It has been a long few days and
i am exhausted. i am taking some more
time than i initially intended.....under good
advisment. i will be up and running in a few days.

Until next time......

Tasks and Rants

2006-03-30T18:15:00.000-08:00

i had lunch with Sir Garrick and He is always so serious. He never seems to be able to lighten up. That is a big part of the problem for me....He is always serious and wants to talk serious. i understand the need for it in this lifestyle but there is also a time for light hearted conversations....Laughter and just plain fun. i want to have fun with my Dom too. Maybe that sounds childish but i am childish at heart. i need someone who can appreciate that and indulge me every once in a while. i tried to tell Him that but He got all defensive and i hate playing those games. i hate arguing over petty things and i hate doing it in public!!! Grrr...i just feel like bitching right now.

Now on to something more positive......i was instructed to sit naked in a wooden chair, with my back in perfect posture. Place my hands palms up on my thighs and think about being a leave just barely hanging on to the branch. This is to help me stop fidgeting and be able to really relax. Let me say it took me a long time to calm my body down and be able to visualize anything. i didn't realize how stressed and wound up my body really is. It is interesting what your body will tell you if you really listen to it....really feel it. i feel much more relaxed and i am going to do this more often. It was almost like a devotional of sorts....not in a religious sense but more spiritual.

Well i guess i need more meditation time, because i am feeling all wound up again.

Until next time......

Almost Friday!!!!!

2006-03-30T05:40:00.000-08:00

Today i find myself not able to sleep and i am SO exhausted. i hate when my insomnia troubles hit me.....makes for a hard couple of days. One would think i would have slept like a baby since i was allowed to cum last night.....but no.

After all the masturbating i have done Cloud finally gave permission to climax....YEAH!!! Last night i got all comfy in bed and got my vibrating toy and off i went. i think it took about three minutes for me to climax....That's how excited/needy i was. It was actually pretty intense with all the build up i had. my whole body was shaking with pleasure.....very nice!!! Thank You Cloud for that release....it was very much needed.

Today i have a big food tasting.....very important job prospect. i hope things go well.

Now i am off to start my day....caffeine!!!!

Until next time......

2006-03-29T13:41:00.000-08:00

A special thanks to butterfly, from Learning about being His, for helping me create the beautiful heading for my blog!

THANK YOU!!!

Too Much Desire

2006-03-29T13:29:00.000-08:00

Normally i am supposed to post everyday, but i had to take an unexpected trip out of town. i am back and horny as can be...i think i might explode. Before i left i was given the task to masturbate at least three times but not allowing myself to climax. Lets see.....i masturbated about 12 times and probably should have stopped at three. i am a mess of hormones and desire. It's a great place to be....hehehe!!!

Since i am a glutton for punishment i decided to complete another task. i was instructed to find a sex shop and buy a book. Sounds simple, but i didn't think about the embarrassment factor until i got there. i spent about 30 minutes exploring before i finally choose what i wanted....i choose a compilation of bondage essays.....i really wanted to buy a vibrating bullet and make myself orgasm. It took me about 10 minutes to talk my nerves down and just do it. i know i was bright red and sweating. i tried to make silly jokes but my nerves were out of control. i haven't felt that in a long time....it was almost an innocent feeling. It was strange and simulating.....my clit was throbbing by the time i got back to my car.

Now i am home and trying to relax. i need a little "me time". i am going to take a hot bath and read a little romance novel......i only wish. i am actually heading out to work...AHHHHH!

Until next time.......

Monday Musings

2006-03-27T06:33:00.000-08:00

i have been having so much trouble getting into this blogger site lately...too many cookies or something like that....hahahaha! Last night i was supposed to post my mirror exercise, but once i finished typing it i couldn't post it...Grrrrr!

Here goes:
i had a hard time last night really seeing the beauty in myself. i have been dealing with a lot of family drama and couldn't seem to get my mind focused. i thought a lot about my childhood and how it was hard and somewhat sad...that brought me to think about my own child. i began caressing my belly and thinking of Him growing inside me....and how amazing it was......

my body as a whole: my body is amazing. If you really think about all the things you can do with your body it is amazing. The most amazing to me is the ability to grow people inside oneself. i appreciate my body so much more now having a son because without a good strong body i couldn't have had my little T. i am SO grateful and appreciate my body more now than ever before in my life.

my eyes: i can speak volumes with my eyes......i have been blessed with a very expressive face. my eyes however are the most effective. i can express happiness, excitement, sadness, worry, sexual desire, and of course anger. If you really look into ones eyes you can see more than you realize. my dad used to tell me that our eyes tell the stories of our souls.

my toes: i got a pretty pedicure and i just like toes. They are sexy in the right light and have great sensational power.

i opened my email this morning to find instructions to masturbate as many times as i want today but no orgasm. Oh man this is going to be worse than reading porn at work. i am SO horny all ready....this is going to send my body into convulsions filled with desire. my need will grow today and i hope i can keep it in check.

Until next time.........

Power Animal

2006-03-26T16:51:00.000-08:00

The Raven

Trickster, introspection, self-knowledge, wise in oracles/omens, messenger, mystery, otherworldly travel, watcher for the gods. The raven indicates that you need to make changes in the way you perceive things and gives you the ability to see what has to be changed.

i went to see Morgan today and his girlfriend is into Medicine & Tarot Cards. She wanted to do a reading on me but i didn't want to. She insisted that i atleast do a power animal reading.....short and simple she said. At this point i felt like i had to so i did....my power animal turned out to be The Raven. Hmmmm?

2006-03-26T07:30:00.000-08:00

What a great Sunday morning! i love being the first one up and just using the morning as my time....it is quiet and peaceful....very relaxing.

i am going to cook some breakfast and then head off to meet with Gail. She is my new assistant....yes i finally hired someone to help me with the paper work and taking my calls and making appointments. She is a very nice girl and i am very lucky to have found someone that i click with.

Last night my mate went out with guys. Normally i would use this time to play with my toys.....but not last night. i was not allowed to play with myself and that made me even more excited. All i could do was lay there and build on my fantasies. It was fun and frustrating at the same time. Usually it would bother me not being able to play with myself....but not last night....most of the excitement came from not being in control of that decision. One of the many joys of submission.

Until next time......

No More Porn at Work

2006-03-25T18:13:00.000-08:00

i am home on a Saturday night to have dinner with my family! It is almost hard to believe because it has been SOOOO long. i finally convinced Morgan that he could pull threw a party without me...it took a lot of coaxing, but i know in the end it will be an awesome confidence boost for him. Once you can overcome the initial fear then nothing can stand in your way. He is an amazing chef and i learn so much from him everyday....but there are days when he needs to let me lead and trust me. Babble, ball....sorry. i guess i will move onto the good stuff...the stuff you all really care about. It is okay your secret is safe with me.....

i was instructed to wear the butt plug yesterday for an hour. This is something that i did not miss. While i sat there with this intruder i began to appreciate what it stood for. It wasn't about the pain or discomfort i felt....it was about what it stood for. It helped center me, and put my submission more in focus. Helped me act in balance with my submission throughout my day. Being able to really accept and understand my training allows me to create a better balance....Something i have been looking for. It isn't in perfect alainment but i think it iwll soon. Strange how a butt plug could be so significant? (i am totally laughing at myself)

Next i had to generate a list of all my toys. Taking inventory was fun...made my vagina throb.
New Toys: rope, bullet vibrator, little leather crop

Tride & True: 2 butt plugs, 3 dildos, 2 bullets, The Magic Wand, 3 pairs of nipple clamps, 2 ball gags, tape, cuffs, leather flogger, paddle, few wooden spoons, ruler, blind fold, lots of clothes pins, feathers, and candles.

Cloud also asked me to go to a sex shop and buy a book. To read some and write about how i felt. i haven't been able to get to a sex shop, but i did read some stories online. i choose to read stories about mummification....it made me crazy all day...seriously...i felt like this sexually charged sub! i got about three paragraphs into the first story and could feel my vagina start to perspire and my clit grew hard and began to throb. i wanted to rub myself right there...in my office for that matter (mental note....no more porn at work) i found myself rocking in my seat and pulling my legs in tighter with hopes of feeling a little pressure on my clit. i had no luck. i knew i couldn't masturbate and that made me even wetter and one horny little sub. i got threw two stories and had to rush off to give Morgan his pep talk.

Now i am sitting at a stop light in my car and my mind wonders to being made to ride naked in the car. Having my clit rubbed while we are stopped...my nipples pinched.....OMG what am i doing.....i am dripping wet. i had to stop this and get focused....i turned the music up loud and made another mental note...No porn at work!

Fast forward to my pep talk with Morgan.....now i think Morgan is attractive but i have never really fantasized about him....until today! i couldn't believe how much i wanted to have him touch me...anyone touch me for that matter. it was crazy how worked up i stayed all day. i couldn't get my mind out of the gutter.....hehehehe. It was SO much FUN!!!!

Now i am off to cook dinner...until next time......

A New Day Dawns

2006-03-24T07:25:00.000-08:00

i opened my email this morning to find it filled with emails from Cloud...tasks, tasks and more tasks. i need to get organized and make sure i get everything done that has been assigned to me.

Mirror exercise i did last night
my lips: They are a great feature that i forget about all the time. Imagine if we didn't have lips....how would kissing feel so good? Lips can be dressed up too which adds a certain sex appeal...a person can say a lot with their lips. my lips are big and a little rough. i have dry lips so i use gloss A LOT! i like my lips to be shiny and kissable.

my hands: i couldn't have my career without my hands. i couldn't hold my sons hand or my mates. i have many scars on my hands from my job...to the culinary world they show experience. my hands are very rough and strong. i put my hands threw A LOT in a day. i thank i take the little things on my body for granted at t times. i have broken both my ankles before and ended up in a wheel chair for 5 months....it was a very humbling experience and it helped me appreciate my body a little more.

Last but not least my ears: i love dressing up the little parts of myself that are subtle. i could wear a ton of make-up and dress my hair all girlie, but i like the subtle things. Like a little lip gloss and a small ear ring. i also use my ears a lot when singing...without them i wouldn't be able to sing a note.

Basically i have been trying to appreciate the sometimes forgotten body parts. The parts of me that are sexual without being overt about it. The parts of me that hold significance in my everyday world. Thank You Cloud for asking me to start this again. i always walk away feeling better about myself.

Well now i am off to start my day...Until next time......

Am i Lost or Found?

2006-03-23T17:52:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since i last posted here. ....Why? Well i have been in a state of contemplation. i have been over thinking things and spending too much time inside myself. Some may say this is good and others may disagree.....for me it has been quite enlightening.

i asked to be released from Cloud's Stable because i desired more of a physical hand. It had been SO long (almost ten years) since i had ventured into the lifestyle. i wanted to be tied up and used. i wanted to be teased and played with. i thought i wanted (or needed should i say)that more than i wanted what i had with Cloud. i was wrong!

While the physical hand is wonderful...for me there is so much more that i need first. i know now that i have not had enough training. That i have not really come to fully understand my desires and how they affect me. i need to learn and understand my submission more...before i can really serve someone. i have a better appreciation for the training period. i understand why you shouldn't rush things...especially in this lifestyle. i need to have a better understanding of what my submission means and how deep it really runs. i want more than a physical hand!!!

i spent some time talking with Cloud this evening. i asked Him if He would ever consider taking me back into His Stable. He ventured a probably. That is more than enough right now. There is SO much to learn and i want to learn it! i am ready to learn and fully open myself to training. i am very nervous and scared to really find what is inside me...in the same token i am not going to be swayed by those emotions.

Thank You Cloud!! i don't think You fully understand what You give me...but i intend to show You my appreciation with my service....if You will allow me the honor of being a part of Your Stable.

Sometimes we have to leave/loose something in order to fully appreciate it!

Now Cloud has asked a few things of me:
Mirror exercise to be done tonight and written tomorrow

Measurements/weight: This one is really difficult for me to post but if i don't think about it it will be fine...right??
Neck - 35cm
Right bicep - 39cm
Left bicep - 39 cm
Shoulders - 121 cm
Chest - 105 cm
breasts - 124 cm
Waist - 117cm
Pelvis - 130 cm
Hips - 123 cm
Right thigh - 58 cm
Left thigh - 58.5 cm
Right calf - 45 cm
Left calf - 45 cm
Weight - 201

Exercise update:
push ups (12)
Sit ups (25)
Crunches (25)
leg extensions (20)
Bottom crunches (20)
Navel (15)
Morning glories (15)
Standing greeting position: 5 minutes
Standing inspection: 5 minutes
Standing punishment position: 5 minutes

An email explaining why i didn't keep up with my routines?

i guess one might say i was back, but i never really left....just needed to find my way again.
Until next time.......

Update

2006-03-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

Long time no post....my world has been in a head spin and hasn't settled in about a week. There have been a few changes in my world too.

Last week i went to a Munch with Sir Garrick. It was about a 2-3 hour drive, and i was more nervous about the ride than the actual Munch. i shouldn't have wasted time worrying about it......We talked the whole ride, conversation was centered mostly around BDSM. W/we are spending lots of time really getting to know one another. It is refreshing to me....it is nice to encounter yet another great Dom. I feel like a lucky sub to have been given the opportunity to know two great Doms. Honestly when i started this journey i didn't think i would find anyone. Most of the men i encountered were "all or nothing....Immediately!" i am not down with that....it isn't safe or particularly smart. i am lucky for knowing both Cloud and Sir Garrick.

The Munch was actually really fun! Sometimes i have attended ones that are somewhat unorganized and dull. That's not the case here......People were very welcoming and the meeting was filled with lots of information and a few demonstrations. FUN, FUN, FUN!!! i got very aroused sitting there watching the other subs get spanked with a variety of toys....a bit jealous too. i wished it was me up there.....sort of:)

Sir G and i have been spending lots of time together. After the Munch we went back to his place and W/we explored a little more. He had me strip naked in front of Him. With each article of clothing that fell from my body my pussy got wetter and wetter. He made me stand there for what felt like forever....just looking at me. It felt like He was looking right threw me...very strong. He proceeded to explore my body with His hands....making me very aware of the wetness between my legs. His strong commanding voice instructed me to hold onto this bar over head. It was at a height that made me have to stand on my tip toes. He attached nipple clamps and stretched them up to the bar i wa holding....pulling them taught. Any real movement pulled my nipples tremendously....i cringe just thinking about it. Sir G proceeded to paddle my behind....harder and harder with each blow. As He changed instruments He whispered in my ear, "don't let go of that bar." followed by this evil laugh. my whole body shuddered with the first blow. i know i floated off into subspace because i don't remember Him changing toys but He told me later He used several different ones. It really was amazing!! Afterward Sir G was very attentive and compassionate. He told me i did a great job and took more than He thought i would....that made me smile:) There was no bondage involved....i still don't feel super comfortable being bound by Sir G yet....i am not sure why. He is everything i could have ever asked for. It feels like He is someone i have known for along time and our BDSM likes and dislikes are totally on the same page. i think i just need time....with more sessions like that i don't think it will be long....hehehehe

i have plans to see Sir G again tomorrow. Usually we have dinner or something first but this time i am going straight to his house. i know there will be small talk but He is planning something....i can tell. One of things that impresses me about Sir G is His willingness to make me at ease. He really makes me feel comfortable and lays out everything before hand. It does takeout the element of surprise, but with time comes trust. i am really enjoying this much D/s in my life. It is a strong presence now and i really like that!!! Cloud was right....i needed the physical hand.

Until next time......

Musical Fun!!

2006-02-25T18:38:00.000-08:00

Morgan called dme last night and told me to come over Saturday night with music to one of my favorite songs. Morgan told me to pick a song for me not one that i thought would fit the band. It seems their girlfriends wanted them to sing their favorite songs for them, just for fun. They thought it would be a fun way to learn some new music, and broaden our horizons. Giving some old songs our own twist....i think it is a great experiment, and i can't wait to participate.

One of my favorite songs is Jolene. There are so many versions of this song and i love them all. i am not sure why i like this song so much? i thought it would be a great song to bring.

i am enjoying my musical outlet. It is a great release for me.

Until next time.......

Floating

2006-02-24T07:14:00.000-08:00

i have been floating on Cloud 9 since the spanking. It amazes me how much one spanking can affect the whole mind of this little sub. i just feel so good inside and so sub like when i am in Sir Garricks presence now. There has been a definite shift between us. A good shift, but definitely a shift. (i wish i was better at expressing myself in writing...sorry)

One of things that helps me tremendously is the ease at which i can talk to Sir Garrick. There is an underlying comfort and it really helps me say exactly how i feel. That is a very important quality for a D/s relationship and i am happy to see it there. (i wouldn't say that i didn't have that with Cloud but i think W/we both protected ourselves a bit emotionally.)

i am excited and nervous. We are heading out to the munch on Sunday morning and i am REALLY nervous!!! It will be great to meet new people and share my submissive side with like minded people.
Until next time......

A Spanking

2006-02-23T07:38:00.000-08:00

Last night i got my first spanking since my birthday! It was amazing! Well my bottom is very red and sore right now, but i am loving it.

i had dinner with Sir Garrick last night and we have been talking A LOT about likes/dislikes, wants, needs,long term, short term, past, future....it has been great. It is like i have this confidant here and we are establishing a great friendship. i feel that i don't have to hold back anything from Him because of all the letting go i did with Cloud. i feel...or know....that Cloud got the brunt end of things, and i am sorry for that.....but very grateful!!! After dinner He asked me back to His place...we had no intention of play...we just didn't want to end the evening. While we were there i got the nerve up enough to ask Him if He would be interested.....of course He said YES with a very big smile. i took a lot more than i thought could and my pussy responded just as i thought it would......hehehehe.

This spanking really helped put me at ease with Sir Garrick even more. There is a certain comfort there that wasn't there before the spanking. It was like that first time was looming over us and now we can just move forward.

This is the most submissive i have felt since my birthday. i think the munch is going to prove to be a very fun outing now!!!!

Thank you Cloud for helping me find the strength to let my submissive self fly!!!!

Until next time........

What Kind of Soul Are You

2006-02-21T06:44:00.000-08:00

You Are an Old Soul

You are an experienced soul who appreciates tradition.

Mellow and wise, you like to be with others but also to be alone.

Down to earth, you are sensible and impatient.

A creature of habit, it takes you a while to warm up to new people.

You hate injustice, and you're very protective of family and friends

A bit demanding, you expect proper behavior from others.

Extremely independent you don't mind living or being alone.

But when you find love, you tend to want marriage right away.

Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul and Visionary Soul

Quick Post

2006-02-20T14:17:00.000-08:00

On Saturday i sang with the band and had the most amazing night i have had in a long time. It was such a rush and such a different feeling than the first time. The nerves weren't there, so i was able to really let go and enjoy it. This is something i definitely want to do again.

i haven't gone to the munch yet.....wont happen till next weekend or the weekend after. (i don't have my calendar in front if me) i am taking the 2 hour journey with Sir Garrick and i am totally nervous about it. i am finally starting to let my submissive self show, to Sir Garrick, and it is starting to feel great. It is making me want to let go completely, but that will come soon....i hope!!! i have been spending more time with Sir Garrick and we are both enjoying our time together. Sir Garrick is eager to have a session with me, but is letting me set the pace. i think this journey to the munch will really help me know if i am comfortable enough or ready to have a session. i am SO nervous at just the idea.

i will post more later....must run to a meeting......

Changes

2006-02-16T17:12:00.000-08:00

i am unsure of some of the protocols when one leaves their Dom, but continues her online journey. i asked Cloud a few questions and made the appropriate changes to my blog. i need to get me one of those dummy books to make some of them....hehehehe. i should really take a class or something.

Anyway, i have some great news.......i am going to sing with the band again!!!!!!

The story goes something like this. The band recently did another gig at the club where I sang with them. Only this time they had their regular singer. After the show the owner approached Morgan and told him he like the lady singer better, and wouldn't book them again with the male singer. The owner really likes the guys and the crowd seems to really enjoy the music.....but many people were disappointed at the change...expecting a woman singer. Now this guys pays really well and this guys want to keep the gig, so they asked if i would sing with them again. i jumped at the chance....this is exactly the kind of thing i need right now. What a boost getting that call was! i am SOOOOO excited!!!!

Now what to wear???

Alive and well!!!!

2006-02-16T13:02:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a really good cry? One where once you start there is no turning back. If you embrace this moment then it can really become a great release. i have had one of those moments...or a few really....over the past few days. Now i am starting to feel a little better.

Things are getting busy for me again. This is a great thing if i can actually find an assistant. The girl i was going to make an offer to found something better......i was disappointed. Now the hunt is on.

i am going to a munch with Sir Garrick. i am nervous and excited....i am scared out of wits, and i can't FUCKING wait!!!! (Being out of the stable i can swear....hehehehe)

Things are looking up and i am feeling good!!! Thanks to everyone who supports me out here in blog world.....it is nice and very validating!!

Until next time.....

On my Own

2006-02-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

Well i am flying solo right now....AHHHHH! Am i scared...Yes. Do i know what to do....not really??? i do not want to just sit back and loose sight of all the connections to the lifestyle i have made thus far. i am scared of loosing my online friends, and i am not sure if i should continue this blog or start a new one or just forgo it all together. The only reason i did this blog was per Cloud's orders......should i continue? i wish things could be different, so in my next life i am going to ask for the power to change the things i do not like.

i want to continue my journey. i figure i can go to a munch with Sir Garrick and hopefully make some connections there. Sir Garrick says there are lots of really nice people that attended last month. i am really nervous to go alone though...i guess just cross that bridge when i come to it.

i am sad inside like i lost an old friend.....i hope that feeling passes soon. There are many words i wish to express to Cloud and everyone who supported me thus far.....i am just not ready yet...sorry.

Until next time.........

Personal thoughts

2006-02-08T17:15:00.000-08:00

This is a copy of a recent email that i wrote to Cloud.....it is very hard to post this.....

i have been thinking a lot about how i feel toward our situation. i hate this long distance thing. i thought it would be the perfect way to get back into things....and it has been....but with limits. i knew there would be difficult feelings and old issues that i would have to address, and i knew that i would have to face those demons...that it wasn't just going to be all about play. i wanted to unleash the desires i had been suppressing for so many years.....and i finally felt ready. i didn't however think i would have such a hard time...emotionally. i thought i had dealt with all the emotions. For the most part i did, but with the recent events it has surfaced old and new emotions. With so much emotion surfacing i am struggling...that is just a fact.

i have expressed to You how much i need to be validated and how much i need to hear the words. How much i want some emotion from You....i just longed for something...but You were not able to do that. There have been so many things that have come between us...all from my end....and it is just become to much for me to bare. ( i hate what Claire did. i hate that my old master came back. i hate that i am physically sick from all the stress. i hate that i am not functioning to my potential.) To many things that i hate and not enough that i like. All of these incidents have forced me to really evaluate and decide what i want.

i know i want to be in the lifestyle. i want to continue exploring and unleashing my inner sub. If i am going to share such deep emotional experience with someone i have to have some emotion in return. It isn't going to work for otherwise. i think my post about comparing myself to slave k was just a cover for these real feelings. i don't really feel insecure by her...jealous of her time with You...YES!!! i can't have a Dom who can't share His emotional side with me. i am SO sorry Cloud, but that is the honest, whole hearted Truth. That is why i am not giving You everything......and i can't without that emotionsl side of the relationship.

i have heard and understand why You can not give that to me Cloud. i didn't want to accept that at first, so i tried to continue. i can no longer continue fighting myself. i now accept that You can not give me the emotional exchange i desire. (i want to delete that sentence SO badly...but i can't pretend anymore)

The only thing left is for me to ask for release.....why does it have to be so hard?

Personal thoughts

2006-02-06T16:58:00.000-08:00

Today i am feeling inadequate. i am feeling like all i do is disappoint Cloud. Who wants a sub like that? All day i have been contemplating my position in Cloud's stable....should i be there? Can i be the sub He thinks i can be?

Then i read morningstars blog and she talked about slave k. she described her as the "perfect slave". This just made me feel even worse about myself and my place. How can i possibly compare to that? If Cloud already has the perfect slave then what does He want with me? What can i offer that slave k can't....nothing. Am i jealous....Yes. Should i be....No. i think i am not super secure in my place in Cloud's stable so i am questioning everything. If i was secure in the stable would i have all these questions?

Also, Cloud has really been pushing for me to find a Dom in this area. i know it is because He feels i need the actual touch of Dom, but it makes me feel like i am being pushed away.

When in a session a sub gets to demonstrate their submission...their devotion to their Dom...then they get validated by their Dom that they are doing well....i don't get that. Cloud never shows emotion so i don't get that sort of emotional validation and for a sub (maybe it is just me) i need that validation....emotionally too. Being a sub is an emotional ride, so when i get no emotion back it is hard. i have expressed to Cloud over and over that i am a person that needs to be validated that needs some emotion. i don't need Cloud to ooooh and awww over me but just the tiniest little bit of emotion would satisfy me till the end. i know it will never come but there is always wishful thinking.....or am i just setting myself up to be disappointed?

i feel lost
i feel jealous
i feel confused
i feel like a pain A--
i feel alone
i feel small
Too many feelings for one day!

Sorry for jumping around so much

At the Neighbors

2006-02-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

Well the internet is still down....i am across the street at the neighbors trying to be sneaky. This lady across the street is like a second mother...so sweet and so caring....she made me tea and a muffin because i need to eat she says....hot cute is that. She is going to come for my littleone's birthday...three is such a big year...hehe i am so excited for him.

i wanted to address taylor from Twice as Bright....i appreciate your comment and understand how hard it is at time when you expose yourself to the public..listening to others opinions can be difficult...especially when they ask hard questions. Please know that i love your blog and i wish you and your Master all the best....and please keep being open and honest....that is what i like most about your blog...it is real and genuine. Thank you for sharing!!!

Cloud mentioned how i should talk about my recent punishment and task on hand. i was punished for not completing the mirror assignment. i have to give myself 5 vagina swats and one clit for five days. Hitting the clit can prove difficult but when you hit it you definitely know....hehe. i also have to wear the intruder while shopping today...Grrr. Not what i had in mind when i asked for a task....aren't Doms fun...they always seem to find the thing we hate most and jump on it. i wonder if reverse psychology would work...Hmmm?? i DO like having task though...makes me feel submissive and that i enjoy.

Exercises are going good......
push ups (10)
Sit ups (13)
Crunches (15)
leg extensions (15)
Bottom crunches (15)
Navel (15)
Morning glories (15)
Standing greeting position: 5 minutes
Standing inspection: 5 minutes
Standing punishment position: 5 minutes

i am off to shop and have a birthday day with my little one...Yeah!!

until next time.....

Internet Down...Quick Post

2006-02-02T14:26:00.000-08:00

i am taking five from my day to do a quick post....not like anyone really reads this blog...except for Cloud ofcourse.

my internet is down at home....seems a tower went down in our area. WTF....i can't stand this crap. We are switching to a wireless network...i think that is my mates plan....which will make it easier for me to use my computer privately...pics maybe more...hehehehe.

This afternoon i wanted to try to catch up on reading a few blogs. i hit on one that really made me think...A LOT! It is...Twice as Bright. This blog has recently touched on some difficult topics...or ones that people tend to have strong opinions about....adultry and lying. These are topics that are tough on some people and i have to give this blog props for being so honest....i am impressed!!

Beyond that it made me think about my situation. i currently have a Dom, whom i adore, honor & respect immensely, and i am married. my mate knows about my adventures into he BDSM lifestyle. We have talked many hours about my desires and his reservations. He doesn't want to have any part of the BDSM lifestyle and i respect that......in the same token he respects my desire or need to have BDSM in my life. We have agreed to try this as long as we are honest and NEVER lie to one another about it. i don't know if this is just a cop out but i think it takes the "adultery feel" away from what i am doing. It seems that my mate and i have the ability to separate sex & love...i think?? ( A little side note: morningstar i agreed with your comment on this blog.) If one lies to their spouse but not to their sub, can you really, truly trust that Dom? If they can lie to the person they married and devoted themselves to...how do you know they wont lie to you. Technically i am an adulteress, but i don't feel like one. my mate knows he can trust me because i am being honest with him and with Cloud. i am open with both men in my life and answer their questions openly and honestly....BUT does that make my situation any different? Just a few thoughts???

Oh yeah one more thing.....morningstar asked her readers for ideas of things to write about. Since i think morningstar had a great idea there...and i have writer block most mornings....any ideas? Or should i say...any readers? (hehehe)

Until next time.....

Partial Mirror Exercise

2006-01-30T12:33:00.000-08:00

Last night i knew i had to do my mirror exercise, so i got naked and set the mood by lighting a few candles and playing some music....a little Indigo Girls...funny music to stare at oneself naked to....but it worked for me. i positioned the mirror, got comfortable on the bed, and began to browse my body. That is how it felt last night....trying to choose something that stood out to me with some significance. The only thing that jumped out at me last night was my vagina....and not in the usual sexual way...rather the color of it. i know it sounds strange, but it is true....my vagina is not the usual pink, pretty color that i see online all the time...rather mine is dark outside and dark pink inside. The dark part is what puzzles me. It never really stood out to me but lately i have been browsing porn online and all i see is the beautiful, pink vagina's. In that moment i started to feel a little insecure. i am starting to think i might have a vagina that is at its best with a little hair...since iti s dark to begin with. Does anyone else have a dark vaginal area? Am i strange or just unique? Hmmmm?

After that i got interrupted and didn't get to finish the exercise. i am finding that the more time i spend at home the less time i have to myself....Hmmm? Funny how that works out.

Well i know it is only a partial task...i will finish soon. i am sure my bottom will feel the burn a bit too....but that wouldn't really be that bad...would it??

Today i feel a bit naughty....and needy. i want to be tied up and teased. i want to be spanked until i cry. i want to beg for release. i know it isn't always good to have the "i wants"....i just can't help myself today. Cloud mentioned once that most subs think about the punishment before most other parts of a fantasy...or a subs fantasies tend to start with some sort of punishment.....Usually i would tend to disagree BUT today mine DO!! Naughty, naughty...hehehe.

Until next time......

Sunday, Sunday.....

2006-01-29T07:33:00.000-08:00

It has been a few days since i posted because my life is back in full swing. i have started working again (with imitations). i am feeling great about the limits i have placed on myself with work. i am only going to have one party per day and no more than eight-ten parties a month. i would also like to not work on Sundays at all but that may prove really difficult. i have three interviews set up for an assistant. i call this position an assistant position because secretary seems strange to me. i don't have an office job, so it seems weird to have a secretary. i also will need this person to come on site with me at times so it is more of an assistant style job....or a side kick. Yeah i like that....my side kick. It is going to be VERY difficult for me to find the right person...i am picky and a bit difficult at times. i thought it would be hard for me to accept having an assistant but i am liking the idea. No more paper work and less phone calls....OH YEAH!!!

i am feeling great about getting organized and making more time for me and my family!!!

i also feel i should write a little about the situation with Claire. i have spent some time hearing her out.....it is hard for me to be cold....but i do NOT want to walked on by her. It seems that it really was a case of the green eyed monster...extreme emotions and not a healthy coping mechanism.

A little explanation: Before i stepped back into the lifestyle i was spending lots of my free time with Claire. She was my outlet and connection to the lifestyle....not to mention my best girlfriend. Once things started to pick up pace in my training i had to adjust my life....my schedule. i had less free time because i needed to devote that time to Cloud and my training. The time i would spend with Claire was now spent on tasks and the computer. Don't get me wrong i didn't start ignoring Claire....i even made special effort to see her as much as i could because i knew she would comment on the lack of time spent. It was considerably less and we both felt that. Claire told me that i started to even pull away in terms of the lifestyle....which is true. i lived vicariously threw Claire for the longest time....i shared fantasies and questions, intrigue and envy...with her....BUT that was changing. i was giving all that to Cloud now and it was starting to create jealousy in Claire. i understand but do not agree with how she handled things at all. i know jealousy makes us do crazy things, but there has to be a line....there has to be! i am not sure how i will move forward with Claire, but i know i am struggling a bit. She is my best girlfriend and we have a REAL connection...loosing that is very hard for me to think about....let alone accept. Enough of that for now.....

push ups (10)
Sit ups (10)
Crunches (12)
leg extensions (12)
Bottom crunches (10)
Navel (10)
Morning glories (10)
Standing greeting position: 4 minutes
Standing inspection: 4 minutes
Standing punishment position: 4 minutes

Things are starting to look good!!!

Until next time.......or mirror exercise later tonight

2006-01-26T10:10:00.000-08:00

Things have been cleared up between Cloud and myself. It seems i was betrayed by my friend....someone i thought would never do anything to hurt me. i honestly am still in shock and have no idea why she would be so mean and hurtful to me. i am PISSED!!!

On a lighter note i am back int the stable and going to begin my training again soon. There have been so many bumps in O/our road lately that i didn't think we would get threw them.....but with Cloud leading most things seem possible. He has this way of making things seem not so big. Things that overwhelm me and scare me are nothing to Him.....He is strong and i am one lucky little sub.

i am going to start my exercises again soon. i think this will be good for me. Getting into routine is always good for me. i have started interviews for an assistant and another part time kitchen staffer. This is going to help me tremendously. i have spent some time thinking about balance and organization.....actually a lot of time. i am able to admit to myself that i need help with my business and that it is okay to need that help. i am going to make sure i make more time for myself and my family. i want to be home more and share more time with the ones that i love most. i am also going to unleash my submissive self...let her be known. i have suppressed her enough and i don't want to deny that part of myself anymore. i am what i am and i am SO proud to be me!!

Cloud asked what kindof sub/slave i wish to be. That i have no answer to yet....but hope to find threw this training. i am grateful to have such a wonderful Dom to help me and i am more appreciative than ever.

Until next time.......

Totally Confused

2006-01-25T15:10:00.000-08:00

i wasn't going to post anything right now but i am feeling like i need to.....incase Cloud doesn't check His email. i know He might be looking for a response to His email here in my blog....Cloud please check Your email for i have sent You some personal thoughts. It seems i have disappointed and disrespect Cloud. i am baffled at this.

Recently i have been given time to think threw and find answers to some very difficult questions. i have taken a few days to rest and ponder....to really search my heart for answers...trying to find my place...(Yes again!!) After much turmoil (dramatic i realize, but for me it was) i finally felt like i could write some words to Cloud....tell Him i wanted to be under His hand if He would still have me. i got online this afternoon to write Cloud a heart felt email about how sorry i am for questioning my place....that i should have known my place all this time... how i am sorry for making Him wait, and how i was going to be the submissive i knew was inside me. i was going to beg for Cloud to give me a chance to show Him what a good sub i am and how i could and would please Him. When i opened my email i found a harsh reality waiting for me.....some harsh words that i was NOT expecting.

Cloud is a strict Dom and that is one of the things i like most about Him.....BUT His words can hit hard at times. In most cases i am worthy of those harsh words but in this instance i am feeling confused. i do not believe my actions warranted such harsh words. i believe there to be some sort of misunderstanding....or i should say i hope there is a misunderstanding...otherwise i am going to have to re-evaluate myself big time. i thought i was doing what i was told....but i was wrong....now i don't know what to do?? Why is it when i think i have things figured out...i don't!!! After reading this email i don't think i can be that sub anymore. If i can disappoint and disrespect Cloud so badly during a break...a time of reflection....how can i possibly be a good sub when i am not on a break? Maybe i am not the sub i thought? Maybe i should take a break and ask for release?

Needless to say i didn't write that email to Cloud and i don't know how to now.

Until next time......or until i find my way.

Contemplation

2006-01-23T10:10:00.000-08:00

Here i sit in contemplation......i have to make some choices. Here is where i always make my mistake. i want to do it right this time!

This is a place i LOATH.

i tend to over think things and that is just cause for trouble. If i really spend some time talking and searching i will find the right answer. i have to trust in that otherwise i loose hope....and frankly hope is what keeps us going. Everyone's is different.......but it is there. my hope is about finding an inner peace. Not one that manifests in religion (however i respect those that do). my hope lies in contentments and strength. i want to feel at peace while i walk this journey...then maybe i wont keep coming back....hahaha! i am not sure if my quest for balance will bring me that inner peace.....but i "Hope" so...haha! Someone told me once i was an old soul and as i look now i disagree....i am too immature to be an old soul. This journey will definitely help me mature...that much is true.

Until next time.......

Feeling Sad

2006-01-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

i am back...sort of. i got to a point where the stress in my life got so bad that it started to affect my body....so badly that i found myself in the hospital. i have been instructed by Cloud to rest and recoup....which i agree is needed.

i need to do some re-evaluating. i need to make sure i am in the right place doing the right things. my submission is supposed to take a back burner...which i understand but is proving difficult. How am i supposed to suppress something that is so strong inside me? Being submissive is part of what makes me feel whole, so why is it on the bottom of the list? i understand i have priorities, and i do take that seriously!!

Here is sit with the same struggle...trying to find balance.

Justice System Rant

2006-01-14T08:05:00.000-08:00

prepare yourselves i am stepping up on my soap box:

our justice system is a joke. i would have been better off taking things into my own hands....really. Now i understand why people do take matters into their own hands....because you can only be let down by our justice system so many times. It is a joke!

For attacking me my previous master got 6 months for violating his parole....with time already served and good behavior my lawyer says he will probably only serve 30 days more....can you believe that. The smug look on his face at sentencing was all i needed to know he did learn anything and didn't care. Grrrr...to the judge who says that i choose this lifestyle and blah, blah, blah,......Grrrr. i guess i am lucky they didn't just release him. Fu-- the justice system for today ....i am sure i will like it again soon.

Okay iam stepping down now....

morningstar thank you SO much for your words of support. Oh yes and Cloud did FINALLY manage to drop me a quick note. i know He is busy this weekend it is just a hard weekend for a sub to be alone....you know what i mean? Thank you!!!

Until i return home.......

i DID IT!!!!

2006-01-13T08:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of the hardest days i have had in a long time. i managed to survive it on my own and i am a stronger person for it....right? Today i go back to court for sentencing and i hope they put him back in jail for a bit....Regardless of the outcome i did what i needed to do and that is what is most important.

No email from Cloud this morning.....pouty sub face. i did expect a supportive word from Him but it isn't fair to expect like that....bad subbie. i always get let down when i expect so why do i do it.

Here is sit alone in this hotel room....half nervous half excited that the trip is almost over. Nervous about today's outcome.....

Until next time.......

Quick Post

2006-01-12T06:58:00.000-08:00

i am feeling strong today! i must maintain this positive attitude...it helps me feel strong! i am going to look my previous Master in the face today...Oh man this is going to be hard. i can do it!!!! i keep telling myself that and it helps me keep moving. i actually am a strong woman but this day seems to bring out every ounce of weakness i have....It is like a test. Will i pass? To some degree i will pass...i will walk away a stronger woman. It is what i do with that strength that matters. We walk thru this world wondering what our purpose is and in doing so we tend to miss the message that's right in front of us. Use the knowledge that is given to you while you walk this earth.....i spend less time searching when i do and more time enjoying. (just my opinion)

Okay i am not sure when i will be back on line but i will try to post tonight. i just think i am going to need a drink afterward, so it may not be until tomorrow.

Cloud, i am looking forward to You blog and will keep You updated. Know that i am okay!

Until next time......

For a New Friend

2006-01-10T08:09:00.000-08:00

i was tagged by Irch

1. Have you had three-way or group sex? Yes
2. Have you had sex during menstruation? Yes....it feels OH SO nice.
3. Have you had a sexual with someone of the same gender? Yes
4. Have you had sex in your parent's home? Of course
5. Have you had hot interracial sex? Isn't all sex hot??
6. Have you masturbated in front of another person? Yes.
7. Have you had sex in a public place? Yes
8. Have you been filmed or photographed having sex? Yes
9. Have you had anal sex? Yes
10. Have you masturbated today? No...unfortunatly
11. Have you had sex in a car? Yes

Taking a Trip

2006-01-10T07:55:00.000-08:00

i am not sure what to write about this morning. i had to take a few days to rest because tomorrow i leave for the trial in California. i am nervous as hell but i am strong and ready to do what i have to do. i will be gone for the weekend and wont be posting regularly......not like anyone really reads my silly little blog...but for those that do i will post when i can.

i just want this to be over with....i want to put an end to this once and for all. Despite what happens in court i need to find closure. i need to put this behind me so that i can move forward with my life. i am scared to walk in the court room and see him....what if i can't control my anger and try to attack him....hehehe...i wouldn't do that but it does sound nice.

i have been doing my exercises regularly too.
push ups (5)
Sit ups (12)
Crunches (12)
leg extensions (12)
Bottom crunches (12)
Navel (10)
Morning glories (10)

Standing greeting position: 4 minutes
Standing inspection: 4 minutes
Standing punishment position: 4 minutes

Sorry for not having anything more interesting to write about

Until next time.....

Thoughtful words

2006-01-09T19:31:00.000-08:00

The nicest thing anyone has ever said to me:

"Everything that is worth anything in my life is because of you!"

my mate said that to me last night and brought a tear to my eye. He has this way of showing me how genuine his love is in the simplest form. I am the luckiest girl and I am grateful everyday!!

No More Pity Party

2006-01-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

i am about two minutes from being late with this blog. i didn't get home until about 4 this morning and didn't open my eyes again until about 8:45...when i jumped out of bed and ran to the computer.

i am going to start posting the exercises and positions in the evening blog because that is when i do them. i figure after i finish my exercises i can sit and write my blog....makes for a nice routine. i did do my exercises last night Cloud but will wait to post them tonight....which means i will post about two series of exercises.

Last night i asked Cloud if there was any way He could put together a play session for me. His response, "all ready in the works" i love how perceptive Doms can be. It is like they just know what the cure all thing their subbie needs.....i love that level of connection. Thank you Cloud for recognizing my need. Thank you Cloud for training me....i appreciate You more than i can put into words. Thank You Cloud!!!!

Last night i was feeling sort of sorry for myself. i was having a suedo pity party, but it is over now. i know i am lucky and i may not have Cloud's hand on my flesh but i am committed to this training. i am committed to Cloud in a way that i never was in the lifestyle before. i am a lucky little sub and feel very grateful to have a Dom who truly understands me....at least most of me....hehehe.

i need to try to find some time alone with my web cam. Cloud would like to see pictures of me naked and i want to give that to Him. The idea of standing in front of the camera naked scares the beegeezes out of me, but i thinki t will really add to my submissive space. i need to show Him my body on a regular basis...i think....does it really matter what i think....hmmmm? i think when a sub is scared of something or embarrassed about something that heightens the submission. i want to feel that. i want to stand in front of my camera because Cloud's wants that....for no other reason. i want to give Him pleasure....i don't want Him to get bored with me. Oh wow, what if He gets bored with me???

i feel excited about the idea of play....i tell you it has been about 6 years since i had a good play session. Yup, that long. i want to feel ropes around me. i want to feel the slap of a hand or paddle. i want to be teased and be made really needy. i want that level of control. Wow, my juices are flowing now. i better stop before i get to horny.

Until tonight......

Feelings

2006-01-06T18:02:00.000-08:00

i have been sitting here for a bit trying to find something interesting to write about and my mind is blank. The only thing that keeps jumping into my head is the fact that i don't feel very submissive today. i am not sure why. i am trying really hard to organize myself and get all my tasks done....but more than that i am trying to do them with a higher quality (for lack of a better word). i am trying to make sure i am not just going thru the motions.

Being in a long distance relationship is SO very different from having to look Your Dom in the face every night. To have Him there with you thru the journey. i am not saying i do not like this relationship because it means more to me than i can even express in words.....it just leaves room for wanting more. i want to be under Cloud's hand. i want to talk to Cloud on the phone. i want to use this web cam i finally got. i want, i want....i know that is bad subbie talk, but it is how i am feeling tonight. Really i think i need a good beating. i need to be used. i need to be played with and toyed with. i need to serve someone and see the look in their eyes. i need, i need....i know again with the bad choice of words....but it a real need. i haven't been used in SO long it is making me crazy. i want a session...a good hard session more than anything! Knowing i can't have that makes it even harder!

Until next time........

Late Again

2006-01-06T08:22:00.000-08:00

i have missed a deadline...yet again. my pc is acting up and here i sit at my girlfriends trying to get everything done before noon Dom time. i am frustrated and feel SO guilty it is eating me up inside. i didn't sleep well because i knew i was in trouble......

i managed to get my exercises done last night and the positions.

push ups (6)
Sit ups (10)
Crunches (12)
leg extensions (12)
Bottom crunches (10)
Navel (10)
Morning glories (10)

Standing greeting position: 4 minutes
Standing inspection: 4 minutes
Standing punishment position: 4 minutes

i feel very frustrated inside.......i don't know what else to say really. i am SO sorry Cloud!!!!

Good Morning World

2006-01-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

Well my "what if's" have been put to rest. It seems Cloud was really sick but is up and running again.....great big subbie smile!!!!! i appreciate all who responded and supported!!!!

Last night i did my exercises and tried to push myself to hard. i managed to run out of breath and got a little pain in my side....Grrrr. i did the positions fine but didn't get all the way thru my exercises.

push ups (6)
Sit ups (10)
Crunches (12)
leg extensions (9)
Bottom crunches (0)
Navel (0)
Morning glories (0)

Standing greeting position: 4 minutes
Standing inspection: 4 minutes
Standing punishment position: 4 minutes

Today i am interviewing a few people for the assistant position i have been talking about. With my trip to California quickly approaching i need someone to hold things together here for me. i know Morgan will do great, but he could use a little helper too....hehehehe.

Until next time........

What If's

2006-01-04T18:49:00.000-08:00

Today has been a very busy day.....lots of catching up to do. It will be nice to get things back to normal routine. i actually like routine....not to the extent that i dislike change, but routine helps me stay organized. Since being in training i have realized that i am not a very organized person, so the routine helps keep me focused. It will be a challenge to organize myself so that i can complete all of Clouds tasks each day. Just adding this extra blog is difficult because most of my work takes place at night....and usually doesn't bring me home until after midnight Dom time. Don't get me wrong....i am up for this challenge!!!

Let me just say that it is more fun to put Christmas decorations up than taking them down.

A more personal feeling....i miss Cloud. It is strange to not hear form Him. i am not being a whinny sub....just feels strange. i find myself in more of a submissive place than usual, which i thought would be the opposite without contact from Cloud. i think i am trying to be more submissive in my daily life to help bring me closer to Him during this time of distance. i don't even know if that makes sense. It is just something i have been pondering.

Another thing i have been thinking about is that i don't even know why Cloud is out of contact with me. i know He doesn't have to explain things on the same level i do, but it sucks not knowing. my "what if" part of my brain kicks in, and that is not always a good thing.

i wish i had a submissive friend to chat with about this....sucks being far from the stable.

Until next time......

i survived

2006-01-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

my in laws are leaving today.......i made it thru and i am still alive. i am glad that the visit is over. It seems i did my job and everyone had a good visit.

Today i am back to the grind of things. i have to get caught up with work and i have to get some things done around this house....like take the Christmas crap down. i am ready to put things back to their original place.

i am back to doing exercises too. It is a little hard to get back into the swing of it but after a few days it should feel routine again. i am also doing the positions again and i am finding i really enjoy them. helps put me in a good head space.

push ups (3)
Sit ups (7)
Crunches (5)
leg extensions (5)
Bottom crunches (5)
Navel (5)
Morning glories (5)

Standing greeting position: 4 minutes
Standing inspection: 4 minutes
Standing punishment position: 4 minutes

Until tonight.......

Rants and Raves

2006-01-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

Okay i have a rant....

i can't F------ stand people who have to always be right! i think it takes a very strong person to be able to admit when they are wrong, so why this need? Where does it come from? Let me just say that it is a very irritating quality and i am surrounded by it right now.....Grrrrr. i am SO ready for these people to leave....it is unreal! i have nothing in common with these people and i am dumb founded that my mate is a product of these people. He is NOTHING like his family. i am so tired of defending myself....every little tiny thing!!!!

Now the rant is over....hopefully these feelings will pass soon.

Now this is my second post of today...posting twice is going to prove more difficult than i initially thought. i will do my best but fear the swats to my vagina will increase.....AHHHHH! (Bad subbie thought) Okay i will complete all my tasks on time and to best of my ability. (Good subbie thought)

Until next time......

New Blog

Release

Friday

Tasks

Hiatus Over

Quick Update

Sad

Feeling better

A Friend

Vacation over

TEN Finally!!!

Punishment & 9 questions

The Intruder is back....Ugh!

Back in Action

Lots of Stuff

More questions

Round 3 and mirror exercise

Round 2

Round 1

The Challenge Begins

Back in Action

Punished....Again

Feeling Good

Finally!!!!

Big Mouth

Monday Musings

Punishment part 2

Punishment & Other Stuff

Relaxation....Release

Feelings

Too many hats to choose from!

Bad Decision

Another Monday Dawns

Friday Night & Mirror exercise

It's Finally Friday!!!

Still Horny as Hell

New Intern

Finally!!!!

Going Crazy!!!!

NO FAIR!!!

Random Thoughts

Horny little sub

Tasks, Tasks, Tasks

AHHHHHHH

More Tasks...and punishment

Bad Morning Turned Good

New Computer...

Back in Action

Mirror Exercise

Questions with Answers too.....

Following the Masses

Tasks and Rants

Almost Friday!!!!!

Too Much Desire

Monday Musings

Power Animal

No More Porn at Work

A New Day Dawns

Am i Lost or Found?

Update

Musical Fun!!

Floating

A Spanking

What Kind of Soul Are You

Quick Post

Changes

Alive and well!!!!

On my Own

Personal thoughts

Personal thoughts

At the Neighbors

Internet Down...Quick Post

Partial Mirror Exercise

Sunday, Sunday.....

Totally Confused

Contemplation

Feeling Sad

Justice System Rant

i DID IT!!!!

Quick Post